


The Darkness after the Storm

by smile_it_will_get_better



Series: This Regrettable Game series [2]
Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Cordelia and Charlotte are amazing friends, F/F, F/M, Grieving, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Jason is a bean, M/M, Marvin is a mess, Mildly Dubious Consent, Trina and Mendel are doing their best, Whizzer is dead, but its fine we already knew that, but only in one chapter so don't worry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2019-10-20 12:24:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 24,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17622341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smile_it_will_get_better/pseuds/smile_it_will_get_better
Summary: Sequel to my other work This Regrettable Game...Marvin considered himself to be a proud man.He knew he was smart, knew he was strong and capable, but now?Now he felt like a shell, like a mask pretending to be a person. Whizzer had waltzed into his life and grabbed a hold of him, and when he left he seemed to take a part of Marvin with him. A part Marvin wasn’t sure he’d be able to get back anytime soon....Fulfilling his promise after Whizzer's death, Marvin looks through the letters Whizzer wrote while attempting to look for a woman he didn't even know was alive. Pair that with the grief and his own struggles with guilt and the impending doom of his own oncoming death, and you have what you would call a mess.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay! I have started writing the sequel to my other story This Regrettable Game, and I hope you guys enjoy it. You don't have to read the other story, but ti makes a lot more sense if you do, just to gain a better idea of what the major storylines of Whizzer's background that I include in here.

Marvin considered himself to be a proud man. 

He knew he was smart, knew he was strong and capable, but now?

Now he felt like a shell, like a mask pretending to be a person. Whizzer had waltzed into his life and grabbed a hold of him, and when he left he seemed to take a part of Marvin with him. A part Marvin wasn’t sure he’d be able to get back anytime soon. 

It had been a month. An entire month since Whizzer woke him up with his labored breathing and terrified eyes. His eyes that haunted Marvin to this day, because Whizzer didn’t show fear. He was unflappable, always either smiling or frowning, but never scared. 

But Whizzer looked terrified that night, his dark brown eyes shining with unshed tears and Marvin knew exactly what was coming. 

Then he died, in his arms, the doctors and nurses running in minutes afterwards, minutes too late. 

It had been an entire month and he still wasn’t over all this, still was unable to move on. He tried his best of course, for Jason, for Charlotte and Cordelia, for Trina and Mendel, but he was still suffering. 

He could still hear Whizzer’s laugh, still feel the man's lips against his, could see t=his lovers smile when he closed his eyes. Little bits and pieces of Whizzer scattered all around, but Marvin didn’t have the energy to remove them. 

His clothes in the closet, his toothbrush and expensive hair products in the bathroom, his tea mug abandoned on the counter. Just looking at them Marvin could pretend everything was fine, that Whizzer would walk through the door healthy and happy and kiss his cheek and bitch about work. 

But it wasn’t going to happen, and Marvin was lost. 

Right now he was sitting in front of their, his, closet staring at the box in the back he had been dreading looking at the entire month. 

 

It made him feel sort of guilty, Whizzer never asked for much, just for Marvin to try and get these letters to where they belong and to be okay. And Marvin couldn’t do the first, he couldn’t move on and be okay and continue his life, so he might as well do this.

He took a deep breath, slowly standing up and taking the box down from the top shelf, he placed it on the bed, his knuckle against his lips as he stared at it. 

He wanted to do this, needed to do this. They were just some letters right? They couldn’t hurt him, just words written on pieces of paper that only outlined the man he loved entire life. Marvin bit his lip, grinding his fist harder into his mouth to stop the thoughts from coming. 

This was what he wanted right? To get to know Whizzer, to fully understand the man who was so private about his life? But this wasn’t how. He wanted it to be the two of them, together in the middle of the night, wrapped in each others arms and Whizzer just talking. Sort of how it was the night his dad showed up. 

Except more, Whizzer only gave the barest of details, only enough for Marvin to fully understand the pain he was feeling at the moment. Then not another word, they never spoke about it again, never mentioned it. 

Marvin carefully reached out towards the box, taking off the lid and blinking down in surprise. It was practically filled to the brim with letters. All neatly wrapped in envelopes and stacked. There had to be over a hundred, maybe even more. 

He dumped them all out on the bed, sorting through them to find the earliest. All the dates were written out nice and neatly, in the top left corner in Whizzer's nicest writing. 

He found one from 19557, a boring one that just rambled on and on about where he was living and the new school he had been going to. 

He read on from that, smiling as he lived Whizzer's life through the man’s younger self. He laughed when reading about him recount a failed project, felt weirdly jealous about this one Charles kid who Whizzer constantly talked to, and almost cried when he read about the abuse he suffered under his dad.

He read as Whizzer grew older, the letters written sometimes once every few months and sometimes a few times a week. They documented everything, from ever fight him and his dad had, all the way to every good test mark he got. 

Some of them weren't even letters, just rambling of a kid. Mostly about things that he didn't want to share with his mom, like when he kissed that Charles kid, or when he realized he was gay. 

He was only at the part when Whizzer was 15 years old when he had to stop.

It had only been thirty minutes, thirty minutes of skimming over a good thirty letters and getting every detail of Whizzer’s life. But god damn it, it hurt. 

It hurt reading these and finding things that he never knew. Hell, Whizzer never even told him that his name was Andrew, Marvin found that out himself. It was a stark reminder that despite how much he loved Whizzer, it was never enough. He never got the chance to sit down and let him tell him all these things, never got a chance to talk about their pasts, never even got a future together. 

It was so god damn unfair, and now Marvin might be dying of the same disease and everything just hurt. 

He carefully put the letters down, taking a deep breath to stop the tears from pouring down his cheeks. He got up from the bed, storming out of the room. 

He could read the rest of them later, just not right now.

Not right now. 

_________________________________

It was close to one am but Marvin couldn’t force himself to step into his bedroom. He stared at the door from the couch, telling him he was being beyond stupid but he couldn’t get himself to move. 

He didn’t want to walk into the room and see the letters scattered all over the bed, didn’t want to see the pieces of Whizzer scattered all over the bed. 

Because in reality that’s what they were. A piece of Whizzer that he cared deeply about, almost a part of the man. Documenting everything in his life he was too scared to talk to anyone about. To scared to share with anyone but his mom who he didn’t even know was alive. 

And now Whizzer was dead. He was dead and these letters were one of the last things that held his essence, his spirit. And god damn it but it hurt to look at. 

Marvin cursed himself, storming into the kitchen to grab a bottle of whiskey. It was going to be a long night. 

After he was officially a bit tipsy, he walked back to the room, ignoring the pain he felt when he stared at the letters. 

He picked up where he left off, tears filling up his eyes as he read sixteen-year-old Whizzers letter to his mom, claiming that he was kicked out and was moving to New York. He remembered this story from the night Whizzer’s dad showed up, the story that made Whizzer shake and sob in Marvin’s arms as he relived the heartbreak and pain. 

He then continued on to a single piece of paper, unaddressed and obviously meant for his eyes only. 

_“Life is a sham. A giant sham. No matter what you do, no matter what precautions you take, you always mess up. I tried so hard, to please my father, to be a good friend to Charles, to be popular and always be happy. But it doesn't work. This is what I get, what I deserve for even dreaming of what I dreamed about._

_Every inch of me hurts, my arms broken, my lips split, eye bruised, rubs best to hell. All because I dreamed too much. It was foolish of me to think Charles loved me. To think that maybe I could be happy with him, or be with him in the first place._

_I don't know why being gay is wrong. Because if it is wrong, why am I like this? It can't be wrong, but it can't be right either. My dad is smart, sure hes an ass, but he is no idiot. Je wouldn't have done this if it wasn't wrong. Maybe he's trying to help me? Beat the disease out of me before it has a chance to flourish?_

_Charles wouldn't have done what he did if it wasn't wrong. Wouldn't have played me like that, wouldn't have led me on. Wouldn't have looked at me with such hate and disgust and yet hoped for a second chance. It's wrong, that's the only explanation. That I'm wrong, I'm sick, I’m bad._

_But I don't care, I can't change I don’t think. Or else I would have a long time ago. There's no changing it, and I think I’m fine with that. Fine with being this fuck up, with being a mistake. I am a mess, this is my punishment. Every bruise, every aching heartbeat. I deserve it all._

_I deserve it all.”_

Marvin was crying, sobs catching in his throat. Was this really his lover? His lover that was so proud of himself? Who didn't think there was anything wrong with himself? Who did not care what others thought?

Was this what Whizzer had been thinking the entire time? That he was wrong, sick, a mistake? Marvin remembered thinking that about himself, but he never dreamed that Whizzer had ever thought the same. 

It was a good look at reality. A look that told him that maybe he didn't know Whizzer as well as he did. 

And that thought chilled Marvin more than anything else.


	2. Chapter 2

Marvin woke up the next day on top of the covers, letters and notes scattered around him, and a bottle of alcohol on his bedside table. 

He groaned, thanking the heavens it was Friday and cursing them for the headache forming under his eyes. 

His boss had given him every Friday off for the next six months due to “a death in the family” if only he knew. And Jason was away on a school trip, so he had the weekend all to himself. 

Marvin stumbled to the bathroom, taking a quick shower in hopes that it would help his hangover. 

Normally when he spent the night drinking, Whizzer would be up early, making him some sort of concoction to help. But Whizzer was gone. And he had to do it himself. 

He decides to just not, instead shoving some pain medication into his mouth and calling it a day.

He debated making breakfast, but found that he really didn't have the energy for it. It was already almost noon, and he wasn't sure about what he was going to do. 

He somehow found himself back in the bedroom, rooting through letters again. He skimmed over a few, reading short pieces of paper that seemed beaten up and dirty. 

He read as Whizzer came to New York, lived on the goddamn streets for weeks, and Marvin didn't want to imagine it. 

Imagine a young 16-year-old Whizzer, shivering on the streets, alone and scared and barely making it by. Imagining Whizzer sitting in the dark on the streets, scribbling words onto paper he found around because it was the only thing that brought him comfort. 

Marvin closed his eyes, trying not to cry again. 

It seems like crying was all that he could do lately, cry and sob and sleep and drink. At night when he was lonely and cold in bed he cried, when he woke up and stared at the empty apartment he cries, when Cordelia or Charlotte or Trina came over to comfort him he cried when they left. 

He found he could only cry, could only sob as the loneliness and pain and guilt attacked him. As he laid awake and went over every interaction, hoping that he could someone bring Whizzer back with the power of his thoughts. 

A knock on the door broke him from the haze, snapping his attention up. He tried to ignore it, but the person kept knocking, over and over again. 

He groaned, moving from bed to reluctantly open the door. Cordelia stood in the doorway, her hair straightened and face set. 

The lesbians had been with him constantly, mostly Charlotte comforting and forcing him to take care of him. Cordelia only came over when one of them was lonely, she respected his space and he respected hers. 

He moved aside, giving her a weary hello as she walked into the place. She collapsed onto the couch watching him carefully. 

“Did you just wake up?” she asked carefully, sounding tired, so unlike her normal bubbly self. 

Marvin nodded and she tsked him, getting up and walking into the kitchen. 

“I'll make you some food since you obviously haven't eaten. What have you been up to?” She asked, rummaging through his cabinets. 

He shrugged. “I'm reading through his letters.” He admitted, watching as she stopped for a minute, going completely still before moving again. 

He didn't need to say who’s letters it was. 

“Has he mentioned me yet?” She asked casually, pulling out a box of pasta and bringing some water to a boil. 

Marvin shook his head. “He just got to New York.” 

It felt weird, talking about Whizzer like he was some character in a book. Recounting his life events like plot points. It felt wrong, dishonourable, but he couldn't do anything to stop it. 

“Can I,” Cordelia paused, her voice sounding watery and strained. “Can I read some with you? If you don't mind?” 

Marvin wanted to say no. To keep this part of Whizzer to himself. But he mentally punched himself. Cordelia was like family to Whizzer. They knew each other since they were both seventeen, they were two sides of the same coin. To keep this from her would be wrong of him. 

He nodded, and Cordelia gave him a sad smile. They sat in silence as the water boiled, and when it was made they ate in silence, the scraping of their forks to keep them company. 

They didn't need to talk, didn't need to communicate with words to understand what they wanted to say. 

When they finished they say for a moment, staring at the house that seemed so empty without him. Marvin was the first to move, offering a hand she took. She looped her arm around his shoulders holding him close as they walked into the bedroom. 

Marvin sat on the bed, Cordelia on the other side, staring down at the letters with tears in her eyes. 

“He'd always be writing these.” she whispered. “Never would tell me why. Always so secretive.” 

Marvin hummed in agreement, words seeming miles away. He remembered that too, remembered poking fun at the man for the stupid letters he always wrote, they didn’t seem so stupid anymore. Looking around, he found one with her name in it and picked it up, Cordelia cuddling into his shoulder to read it with him. 

_“Dear mom,_

_I made my first friend here today. Unless you count Nick, but I'm not. He's just someone who's giving me a place to live.”_

“He was dating Nick at the time,” Cordelia commented. “I don't think he ever liked him though. Means to an end really.” 

Marvin thought that sounds about right. Whizzer seemed to be able to do things like that, make people fall in love with him even though he didn't love them back. He continued reading. 

_“Her names Cordelia, she works down at a bakery Nick made me go to. We went out for drinks last night, and she’s awesome. You'd live her. She's nice and kind and positive, hilarious too. We're not dating, although so many people thought we were. She's cute, but not really my type you know._

_Either way, we made plans to go out again, she wants to teach me how to skate. Which is frankly terrifying. We'll see how it goes._

_Love, Andrew.”_

“Andrew?” Cordelia asked. “Was that really his first name?” 

Marvin let out a hollow laugh. “Andre Jacobs.” he said. “Who knows where whizzer Brown came from.”

“I think he made it up on the spot when he met me.” She mused with a soft smile. “I had never met someone as charming and awkward as he was. Managed to charm me while being an awkward kid at the same time. It's what drew me to him, how hard he was trying to impress me as a stranger.” 

Marvin couldn't really imagine Whizzer ever being awkward. Really he kind of pictured the man coming out of the womb and sarcastic, smooth and charming as he was. 

The bitter taste in his mouth was back. 

He picked up the next letter without comment. They read in silence as Whizzer documented his break up with nick, not that dramatic really, and his blooming friendship with Cordelia. 

Soon, Cordelia laughed as she recounted her convincing him to go to college with her, and the surprise when he chose ‘art history' as what he wanted to study. 

It didn't surprise Marvin that much; the man was addicted to his camera. Always taking shots and pictures of anything he saw. Grinning down at his camera like it was his child. 

He loved his job, and Marvin hated how much he used to ridicule Whizzer for it. 

“You know, it's weird reading these and thinking about how much I didn’t know. It gives you perspective.” Cordelia commented. And Marvin couldn't help but to hate her just a little bit. 

To watch her smile as she read these, thinking of it as something fun, to learn more about the man she loved as a brother. 

But to him? It wasn't fun. It wasn't weird or interesting to learn more about Whizzer, the stuff he never knew. Learning that he knew nothing about the man wasn't anything he wanted. 

“Yeah, it's weird to think how much I don't know about the man I loved. Makes me wonder if I knew him at all.” Marvin said, sounding a lot more bitter than he meant to. 

Cordelia frowned at him. 

“Your mad.” She stated, and Marvin bit his lip and looked away. “I don't understand.”

Marvin sighed, not really wanting to explain, but he owed it to her didn't he? 

“It's just hard you know, to realize how little I know about it. Makes me wonder if I knew him at all.” Marvin let out a humorless laugh, tears stinging his eyes. 

Cordelia laughed, and Marvin frowned, ready to defend himself. 

“Marvin that's the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” she said and Marvin bit his tongue. “I've known Whiz for a stupid amount of time, and you are the only person he's ever opened up to you know?”

Marvin found that hard to believe, there had to be others. Other people that Whizzer trusted the way Whizzer trusted him. Whizzer couldn't have been that secretive. That closed off. 

“It's true.” Cordelia said sensing his thoughts. “He trusts you, sure you didn't know this stuff. But you knew Whizzer. Whizzer wasn't his past, he has proved that so many times. So yeah, you don't know this stupid stuff. But you know Whizzer. More than I do, more than anyone else, hell I’m sure you know him more than he knew himself.”

“There had to be others. People you don't know about. He couldn't have been that lonely.” Marvin denied. 

Cordelia frowned, suddenly diving through the letters in search of a single one. Marvin watched her in silence until she pulled out a few ones and read over them. 

She shoved the first in Marvin's face, and Marvin lowered it to read through it. 

_“Dear mom,_

_I met a man a month ago. Down at the bar. His names Connor, he's over at my house so much I think he's practically moved in. I think we're technically dating now. He just started calling me his boyfriend when introducing me to people so I guess me are._

_He's nice enough, kind of controlling, but I can deal with that. He and I can argue for ages, he definitely has that spark I crave. Although sometimes it goes too far. Nothing I can't handle, nothing I can't deal back. I don't see this lasting long though._

_Love Whizzer.”_

“Why are you showing me this?” Marvin asked, trying to get the bitter taste of jealousy out of his mouth. He didn't want to think of whizzer with anyone else. 

“Conner is the second longest relationship he had ever been in. They lasted 11 months together.” Cordelia said, spitting Connors name. “Whizzer never dated for love, or really at all. Admittedly, it was one of the reasons I was often disappointed in him.” 

Cordelia's cheeks stained red, and she avoided Marvin’s gaze. 

“He slept around so much when he hit his twenties, never held down a relationship for more than a month. Then fucking Conner waltz in and suddenly Whizzers down for it all. For dating, for going out, for holding down a relationship for longer than normal.” 

She suddenly broke into a sob, and Marvin wrapped and arm around her, and she leaned into him. 

“Whizzer didn’t trust people, ever. Barely even trusted me and I was his best friend. He didn't love well either, never knew how to handle it. So he threw himself into the only loveless relationship he had. And even then he was always in a mask. A mock parody of the true him.” 

She shuffled through some of the other letters, reading silently before handing him one. 

_“I should leave. I don't know why I’m still here really. I think Cordelia suspects what is really going on between Connor and I. She keeps pressuring me to break up with him, and really I should._

_He's an asshole. Really that's the only way to put it. He keeps yelling at me. Keeps threatening to kick me out even though I own the fucking place. It hurts sometimes, some of the jabs dig under my skin and fester. They hurt, they knock me down, make me doubt everything I know. And he hit me last week. Split my lip right open._

_And you know what? I don't even care, barely even flinched because this feels like home. Going to be scared and staring up at the ceiling is a lot different when he person your scared of is sleeping beside you and there is no escape._

_Well there is, I could simply kick him out and never see him again. But I don't. Because this doesn't matter. This is what I deserve. It's better than screwing people all the time, at least this gets things bought for me._

_He still kissed me like I’m the only person he knows. He still has the ability to leave me breathless, leave me wanting me more. It's not love, I gave up on that so long ago. And he's the same way._

_Too broken people to broken to realize what kind of mess their in.”_

Marvin wanted to scream. To hit something and cry and yell. 

Why would Whizzer do that? Feel like he deserved something like that? Was that really the person Whizzer wanted to be with? The kind of person he spent 11 months with? It made him so mad, to think that someone could be like that. 

“You see what I mean?” Cordelia asked, her voice fierce. “That's the kind of person whizzer would be with. But you came, and you were good for him. You made him happy Marvin. You knew Whizzer because Whizzer trusted you, he could be himself around you. I don't care that you didn't know his childhood or anything like that. Whizzer didn't care. Because he loved you, so goddamn much, and that's what mattered.” 

Marvin felt the tears running down his cheek, could hear them in Cordelia’s voice. They sat there for a while crying together. Mourning the loss that affected them both so deeply.

Marvin cried for his lover, for the man who crashed into his life and broke him down. For the man that he was able to tear down. That they both managed to make into better versions of the other. He cried for the loss and grief and the love that he felt for this man who was gone. 

“Will you help me?” He asked, his voice hoarse and worn. “Help me find his mom? If she's alive of course. I just don’t think I can do this myself.” 

Cordelia nodded, no words needed for the moment. After another two minutes she kiss his cheek and got up, explaining that she had to make Charlotte dinner for when she got back. 

“Do you want to join us?” she asked, sounding sincere. 

“No.” Marvin shook his head. He didn't want to impose. “Have fun.”

Cordelia paused at the bedroom door, staring back at him. 

“I know it's hard to believe right now.” She whispered. “But things will be alright. Everything will be alright in the end.” 

And then she was gone, and Marvin was alone. 

Always so god damn alone in this place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not my favorite chapter but it was really rushed and written entirely on my phone so oh well


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a short chapter, but this is really what I had been leading up to. Flashbacks of Marvin's perspective of their relationship. And I had a ton of inspiration so a quick update.

After Cordelia left Marvin packed most of the letters up and took them into the living room, finding it a lot easier to read through them while sitting on the couch. Not that he really did. 

It had been two weeks since his neighbours last visit, and he was unable to force himself to read some more of them, every time he did he found himself tearing up and went to the kitchen to get another drink. 

He spent this time wither working overtime to avoid going back to his apartment, or looking for Whizzer’s mom. He wasn’t sure where to start, first he looked her up in the phonebook, then newspapers, and countless other sources, it was starting to look like an impossible task, but that wasn’t going to stop him. 

He stood in front of the couch, staring at the paper in front of him and he could almost hear the phantom sound of Whizzer laughing at him. Far away but yet so near. 

He picked up a letter, diving right into a random spot. The letter he held in his hand was crinkled, the words practically scratched into them with anger and despair. 

_“Dear mom,_

_Last letter I said you would be proud of me. I lied. You would be so fucking disappointed in me, you wouldn’t even recognize me if I slapped you in the face._

_I changed my name you know, I didn’t write about it because I was still scared. But screw being scared. I go by Whizzer now, remember that name? You bought me that comic, the one I read almost everyday. My childhood hero is now the name I choose to identify as a fucked-up adult. How fitting. I just couldn’t stand hearing that stupid name every day “Andrew do this” “Andrew do that” it made me stick mom. But that isn’t even close to the worst thing I’ve ever done._

_Remember how when I was little and dad came home from work, his knuckles bloody and a crazed smile on his face? He went on and on about how his co worked came to work with his boyfriend, how he beat him to a pulp after work and left him on the street, going on a tirade about homo’s and how no respectable son of his would ever be a fag like that. He took me by my arm and yelled in my face, getting me to promise to never become like that. Do you remember? Remember how I agreed, to scared to deny him what he wanted. Remember that? Because surprise! I’m gay mom. A queer through and though. I like boys, I like kissing them, I like screwing them in dirty bathrooms, I like staring at them and like them staring back at me._

_But that’s not all, no your son isn’t only queer, but he’s a fucking whore too. Sometimes I need the money, so I blow a guy or two, a filthy screw for a couple of bucks. And I don’t regret a thing. Your innocent little boy turned into someone dirty. A pretty boy for people to stare at. I don’t even want commitment you know? I’m fine just screwing guy after guy, ruining relationships and leaving them in the dust. Because love is a stupid fairy tale spun for gullible kids. Love and marriage only leads to pain, to shouting and heartbreak and shackles holding you down. It’s much easier to just go from boy to boy._

_God, you must hate me. Must think I’m disgusting and worthless. Just a dirty asshole that should be left for dead. But I’m still kicking mom, still out and proud and ready to fight anyone who dares cross me. I’m just so mad all the time, so unsatisfied and lonely that it hurts. School is my only reprieve, not even my friends can make me happy. Maybe I deserve it, this unhappiness. Afterall, god serves out punishment for all those who sin._

_Whizzer”_

Marvin carefully folding the letter back up, shoving it into an envelope. There was so much to process in that one letter. 

It sounded like years of repression, years of denial and self loathing all come to the surface. Marvin knew what that felt like, he knew because he remembered that feeling. He remembered thinking about telling his parents he was queer, the fear and disappointment he felt towards himself. The disgust when he thought of what they might think of him. 

It was normal for him, the boiling rage that bubbled under his skin when he thought about it, the feelings of despair masked by anger, but Whizzer? Whizzer always kept his cool, even his mad was controlled, dictated by controlled emotions and movements. But this letter wasn’t Whizzer when he was mad, it was Whizzer when he was beyond pissed, angry at the world and at himself. 

Marvin had only seen him that was once. Years ago, and he had no clue how to deal with it. 

________________________________

 

Marvin was waiting at Whizzer’s apartment, slightly annoyed that the man had the audacity to make him wait for almost an hour over their normal meeting time. Hell, Jason and Trina were coming home in around an hour and he hadn’t even seen Whizzer once all day. 

They had an arrangement, Marvin would come over for two hours every Friday when Jason and Trina were out, and they would spent time together, get a good screw or two in, and then wait for either the next time they were both free or the next Friday. 

Missing a Friday wasn’t okay. This was their time, the time where they could sit and be together and argue and kiss and do whatever Marvin wanted to do. And here Whizzer was, missing for the first time in the two months they had been seeing each other. 

Marvin sighed, pacing around the room again, glaring at the clock like it offended him. He was in Whizzer’s horrible apartment too, with its awful blank walls and heater that either worked too well or didn’t work at all. 

He hated Whizzer’s place with a passion, it just didn’t do the man justice. Didn’t capture the artistic, chaotic energy Whizzer held. And it was cheap, cheap and dirty and run down. But at least Whizzer didn’t have a wife and kid to worry about.

Not that Marvin had really told Whizzer about them. He knew Whizzer suspected a wife, but a kid? Whizzer wouldn’t see that one coming. Whizzer wasn’t a model citizen, but Marvin knew that if Whizzer found out about Jason whatever they had would be gone. 

Right when Marvin was about to give up, write a passive aggressive note and leave, the door slammed open. 

Whizzer limped in, his back-facing Marvin as the man didn’t even notice that Marvin was there. Like he didn’t even realize he had made Marvin wait for almost an hour. 

“What the hell Whizzer?” Marvin barked out, but the fire drained out from his veins when he saw Whizzer flinch and turn to face him. 

Whizzer looked like shit. 

His lip was split open, blood pouring down his chin, his cheeks purpling and his eye blackened. He was clutching his side, leaning against the wall as if it was the only thing holding him up. 

“What the hell Whizzer?” He repeated, but this time less pissed and more worried. Because Whizzer looked ready to collapse, looked beat to hell and back. “What happened?

He was only feet away from Whizzer, ready to lend support, to just hold the other man, but Whizzer turned away, storming out of reach. Marvin retreated, unsure of what to do. Whizzer never denied comfort, even when mad or annoyed he never shied away from Marvin’s touch. 

“Some assholes jumped me when I was coming home.” Whizzer said, sounding out of breath and a second away from crying and oh god how was Marvin suppose to deal with this?

Whizzer was in motion again, slamming his hand against the wall with a slightly strained cry. Marvin stepped back, watching Whizzer carefully. He wasn’t afraid, not really. Whizzer hitting him was never a possibility, Marvin didn’t even give the thought of Whizzer somehow taking this outcry out of Marvin. 

“Whizzer.” Marvin scolded softly, trying again to move forward, even if to just make sure that the man was aright and not currently dying because some assholes decided to beat him up. 

A small, tiny part of him thought that Whizzer was asking for it. The man was out and proud, not even attempting to hide his homosexuality. He was practically asking for it, asking to be harassed, to be assaulted. 

But there was also a side of him that knew this was all on those men who jumped him. For them being so intolerant and such bastards that they felt that it was okay to beat up a defenceless man, gay or not. 

Whizzer suddenly turned, his hands swiping at the counter and knocking off a pretty nice-looking lamp, it crashed onto the floor, not breaking entirely, but snapping into two. Marvin stood watching the man he had been seeing for almost three months now break apart in front of him, hurting and mad and pissed. 

“Go home Marvin.” Whizzer whispered, facing away from him, his head hung in what was either shame or exhaustion. His voice was broken, tired and raspy, so unlike the cocky tilt it normally did, the confidence infecting it. Now, it just sounded dead, defeated. It scared Marvin a little, to see Whizzer like this.

 

Marvin didn’t leave, unsure of how to comfort the man but how to also just up and leave. Was he supposed to stay? Was he supposed to leave?

There was no guidelines for this. No book he could read about How-to-comfort-the-man-who-you-are-cheating-on-your-wife-with-who-was-just-beat-up-for-being-gay-a-guide. So he did the only thing he knew how to do, he left. 

He grabbed his jacket and walked out the door, closing it silently and standing on the one side, leaving right as he heard the first strangled half sob half yell. 

He didn’t look back, and two weeks later he showed up again, and it was like nothing had even happened. It was so much easier to pretend nothing had ever happened. 

 

_________________________

Marvin shook the memory out of his head, trying to forget the way Whizzer’s lips looked when bloody and split, the way the man limped like he was injured, the purpling to his cheeks. 

He never forgave himself for leaving Whizzer alone after that incident. Whizzer needed someone, someone to hold him and comfort him and tend to his wounds. 

Not for someone like Marvin to just up and leave, to walk out the door like nothing happened. Hell, two months after that Marvin divorced Trina and had Whizzer move in with him. He told himself he was doing all that because he loved Whizzer, because he loved men. But would someone who truly loved Whizzer had left him alone at a time like that?

Marvin knew he wouldn’t now, if Whizzer was still around, Marvin would never leave his side. 

Marvin chuckled, the bitter taste of regret fresh on his tongue. 

There was a lot of things he would do if Whizzer was still around.


	4. Chapter 4

Sometimes, Marvin would dream of Whizzer. 

He would fall asleep and suddenly he would be in his lovers’ arms, Whizzer in front of him looking healthy and as beautiful as ever. 

Whizzer would smile down at him, the two of them laying in their bed and Marvin would feel more content than he had in ages. Whizzer would lean down, his lips pressing against Marvin’s lips and then he would wake up. 

The warmth would drain out of his arms and his lips would feel cold and the bed would feel so empty. The tiny bit of happiness that filled him up would trickle out with the startling realization that Whizzer was gone. Never coming back. 

Marvin sat up, still shaking from the dream that he could only describe as a nightmare. Tears were welling up in his eyes, and he hugged his knees, resting his cheek against them. He waited a few minutes for his heart rate to lower and his breathing to slow again, closing his eyes. 

He could go back to sleep, but the images of Whizzer were still lurking in the back of his mind, the familiar feel of his lovers’ arms around him, the soft brown eyes, the soft sound of his breathing. Marvin stood up, padding into the kitchen for a drink of water. 

He briefly debated eating some food, he had been behind on his meals lately, but found that he really didn’t have the energy required to put in the effort for that. 

He found himself back at the couch, sitting in a pile of pillows and letters. 

He debated reaching down and reading a few, he had been reading them on and off for days, finding that once he started he couldn’t stop, but at the same time they were painful to read. He was only about halfway through the stack too, barely even scratched the surface of Whizzer’s thoughts and ideas. 

His hand hovered over one, not touching but simply there. He could see the writing, the carefree scrawl that Whizzer wrote in. It hit him like a pang in the chest, and he retracted his hand, getting up from the couch and grabbing his jacket. 

He didn’t want to be in that apartment anymore. 

Marvin found himself in a bar, almost abandoned except for a few couples making out. Not a gay bar this time, just a place for him to get drinks without judgement. 

The bartender didn’t even bat an eye at him, simply pouring a glass go whatever whiskey Marvin asked for and handing it to him without a comment. 

He appreciated it. Taking a sip he glanced around, his memory reminding him of the first time he ever saw whizzer, in a bar similar to this. 

_________

Marvin was way out of his element. 

He was surrounded by guys who were dressed was to skimpy and all vying for attention. Some guys were dancing together, a mockery of actual dancing and more just grinding on each other. 

He shouldn't be here. 

He was married for god sakes, he had a kid. But no one knew that, his wedding ring was hidden back in his apartment, and he didn’t look married did he? 

He didn’t even know why he was here, why he decided now of all nights to go to a gay bar when he told his wife he would be at a friends house all night catching up on work. 

But here he was, looking around for something, what that was he wasn’t really sure. 

But he'd know when he saw it. 

And it only took him a good minute before it caught his eye. 

Sitting across the room was the most alluring and handsome man Marvin had ever seen. With a nice dark blue button up shirt and slacks, his hair styled to perfection and a perfect cocky smile on his lips, the man was the definition of beauty. 

Their eyes met, and Marvin quickly looked away, half hoping for the man to come talk to him. 

After a few minutes, it was clear the man was much more comfortable with Marvin going to him, and it did seem like his drink was getting pretty empty. 

Was he really going to do this? Marvin just had to ask himself. He could leave right now, go home to his beautiful wife and child and forget all about the man. But instead his feet were walking over there, his heart pumping and throat dry. 

He sat beside the ridiculously pretty man and ignored the way the man checked him out. 

“Can I buy you a drink?” He asked, lowering his voice a bit in an attempt to appear manlier than he really was. Which wasn’t too hard since he was in a room full of men in drag. 

“Course sweetheart.” The man replied, his voice silky and smooth and god damm was any part of this man not perfect?

Marvin grinned, waving down the bartender and ordering a beer, the man ordered something that sounded like diabetes in a glass. 

“So, what brings you here today?” The man asked, leaning into Marvin space. “Wife out for the weekend?” 

Marvin flushed slightly, unsure of why the hell the man would say that. He quickly regained his composure, not about to let this man fluster him that easily. 

“You’re not actually that curious are you?” He asked in return, watching as a mischievous light flickered in the man’s dark brown eyes. 

He leaned even closer, a hand reaching out and placing itself suggestively on Marvin’s thigh. Marvin was careful to keep his face cool and impassive. The man was obviously looking for a challenge, someone to compete against. 

“I’m just curious to see if your place will be open tonight.” The man whispered, suddenly darting forwards, his lips brushing against the side of his mouth, not quite a kiss but close enough that it left Marvin slightly breathless, electricity sparkling through the air between them. 

The man pulled away, the bartender placing their drinks down in front of them and winking at the other man, who didn’t even notice. 

Marvin stared at the man, who put his lips around the straw and was sucking at it very suggestively, making Marvin blush slightly and his stomach warm. 

“I was thinking more your place.” Marvin said before thinking. All protests were already thrown out the window, replaced with visions of what this beautiful stranger could do. 

The man grinned, all fire and sharp angles. “Of course.” He purred. “Finish up your drink and we can get going.” 

Marvin hurried to sip at his drink, eager to leave and see where this man would take him. What this night would turn into. He pretended like he couldn’t feel the man’s eyes on him, roaming over his body and judging him. 

Marvin wondered what the man saw, what he thought. Did he see someone who he liked? Or simply another notch on his bedpost. The man obviously was a frequent here, subtly gay in a way that normally would have Marvin rolling his eyes at. 

But the man was beautiful, a pretty boy if Marvin had ever seen one. Someone Marvin couldn’t wait to get his hands on, to mold and feel and spent time getting to know him intimately. 

He finished his drink, standing up with the man. The stranger grabbed his jacket and pulled them flush together, the heat of their bodied mixing together and their lips inches apart. Marvin glanced down at them, so plump and red and kissable. 

“What's your name sweetheart?” The man asked, and Marvin stared into his eyes. Seeing a challenge, a game just waiting to get played. 

“You can call me Marvin.” he said, and the man grinned, as if hearing the name sealed dome unspoken deal. 

“Whizzer.” He replied, and Marvin cocked an eyebrow at the unusual name. 

“Whizzer huh? Unusual name.” Marvin commented, watching the man's eyes darken. 

“I'm an unusual person.” He replied with an easy smile. “Now we can stay here and talk about my name, or we can ditch this place and go do some other more,” The man paused, pressing closer and grinding slightly against Marvin. “interesting activities.” 

Marvin grinned back, and they quickly left together, the night air taking his breath away almost as much as the other man did. 

And as the night progressed and Marvin found himself getting lost in the planes of Whizzer’s body, he found that this was something he wanted to keep. He was holding something special in his arms, something new and exciting and he was going to keep it. 

That was for sure.

_______________

It was a bit of a surprise when on Wednesday afternoon a very loud, very angry, very persistent knocking started up. 

Marvin was busy at the moment, he was enjoying a nice quiet evening when suddenly he remembered that it had officially been over two months. He had been stuck in a bit in a rut since then, laying on the couch because his bed felt too lonely. A bottle of whiskey beside him and his eyes red from crying. 

He didn’t want to get up and answer the door, but they just kept knocking and sure, Marvin wasn’t anywhere close to drunk, but the noise still hurt his head. 

He wobbled to his feet, taking a second to shake them out because of course they fell asleep. 

He opened the door, not even bothering to check who it was first. 

He was greeted with an extremely angry looking Trina who stormed past him and a meek and exasperated looking Jason, who trailed in after the tornado that was his mom. 

“Trina?” He asked, watching as the woman paced around for a minute before turning to him, her arms on her hips. 

“Do you know how worried we have been Marvin?” She hissed gesturing to herself and then Jason. Marvin blinked in confusion. 

“We set this date, you promised us one night! One night to see if we could all handle it and you don’t even bother to show up!” She declared, and it suddenly dawned on Marvin. 

Family dinner night. 

Every Wednesday they would get together and sit and eat, an opportunity to catch up and for Marvin to see his son. 

They hadn't done it since Whizzer, too many memories of the man there, but they agreed one night to try it out. One night for them to see if they could stitch their broken family back together. 

Apparently it was tonight. 

He had completely forgot, been too wrapped up in his grief to notice the date or time. 

“I'm sorry Trina, I forgot.” He said, rubbing at his forehead. 

“Forgot?” The woman scoffed. “You can’t just forget something like this. I know its hard lately but we need you Marvin. Your son needs you.” She hissed, and Marvin glanced over at Jason, who was sitting on the couch, wrapped in one of the blankets Marvin brought out for himself.

“Trina I'm trying my best.” He whispered, guilt bubbling up his throat. 

“It's not enough. We were all so worried tonight when you showed up, heck, I thought you did something drastic and-” Trina shuttered, her voice cutting off. 

Marvin frowned. “What, you thought I've killed myself or something?” he let out a bitter laugh. 

It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought of it. Like he hadn’t debated it on his worst nights when everything seemed out of place. But he owed it to Whizzer to continue on, to live his life because Whizzer couldn’t. 

“I might be suffering Trina, but I wouldn’t do that to Jason.” He finished off his thought, because he might be a shitty excuse for a father, but he wasn’t that shitty. 

Besides, there was already a chance of him dying slowly from a disease so why would he jump the ship just yet? When his time came he would be ready. 

“Then call us. Visit us. We lost him too Marvin. You are not alone. Stop pretending like you are.” Trina said, still looking ready for a fight. 

Marvin felt irrationally pissed at that statement. Of course they were suffering, but they just didn’t get it. Because they didn’t live with Whizzer ever day, they didn’t love Whizzer as much as he did. They would never get it, never suffer as much as him. 

“Let me grieve in peace.” He growled, crossing his arms and standing up straighter. “I'll visit when I’m able to.”

“I am trying to help Marv,” Trina said. “I promised him I'd look after you, you know?” 

Marvin’s breath stuttered, because he knew what she was talking about. It felt like a punch to the gut.

“I promised him that after he died I would look after you. Make sure that your okay but I can’t do that alone. You need to help me too.” 

Marvin shook his head, tears springing into his eyes. He didn’t want to imagine it, Whizzer at the hospital, dying and in pain but still worrying about Marvin. Still so god damn concerned about everyone except himself. 

“I think you should go Trina.” He said, blinking quickly. 

“Marvin,” Trina started, sounding tired and weary and he would feel bad if he didn't want to just scream. 

“Please.” He said simply, and she must have seen something on his face because she just nodded. 

“Come on then Jason.” She said, holding her arm out for her child. 

“I don’t want to leave.” Jason replied, staring Trina down. “I'm staying here.” 

Trina looked conflicted, glancing over at Marvin for help. 

He should deny it, tell the kid to go home and get some sleep. But another part of him looked at his child, who looked tired and sad and determined, and found he couldn’t do it. 

“If he wants to stay he can stay. I’ll make sure he gets to school.” He told her, and Trina paused before nodding, quickly leaving his house. 

Marvin turned around, facing his kid nervously. He still saw Jason; the kid came over every two weekends to visit. Almost normal, but not quite there yet. 

Their visits were strained, Marvin often taking them places both of them didn’t want to be at to fill the silence and space between them. 

Jason stared at him, the blanket wrapped around his shoulders as he stared at his dad. 

“Anything you want to do kid?” Marvin asked softly, and Jason nodded. 

“Can we just,” Jason paused, sounding uncharacteristically worn out. “Can we just sit together? For a bit?” 

Marvin felt his heart break, just a little more than usual. This was normally Whizzers thing. Whizzer and Jason would always just sit together on the couch whenever one of them was sad, not talking, but simply providing the other comfort. 

Now Jason was asking Marvin for it, asking for the comfort and understanding they always seemed to lack. Jason always tried to be strong, to not seem weak in front of his dad. But now? Now they both needed the comfort, the presence of the other.

Marvin sat next to the boy, wrapping his arms around him as they cuddled close. 

They stayed there for hours, clutching onto each other because they both lost a big part of the. Marvin lost his lover, his other half, and Jason lost his father, his best friend. 

They held onto each other like they were going to flout away if they let go, like the tides were pushing against them and it already took one of their tiny family, and it would be so easy to take another. 

This is why Marvin couldn’t leave. Because of the 13-year-old kid that held tightly onto his father, terrifying that one day he might be lost. Marvin couldn't leave Jason like this, couldn’t abandon his child anytime soon. 

No, Marvin would hold on, if not for himself then for Jason. For Trina. For Mendel. For the lesbians. For all the people who needed him, needed him around. 

He would hold on for them.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is short af and doesn't have much to it but I've been deathly sick for the past few weeks and this is the best I could do. But I've outlined the rest of the story so it should be coming out more often now.

Coping was hard after death. 

Coping was hard when it felt like a piece of you was missing, forever torn out and buried deep in the graves with the bones. 

Marvin tried to cope, he really did, but most days it felt like a chore, living felt like a chore. He got up, went to work when he needed to do, but barely even functional otherwise. He hadn’t showered in days, brushed his teeth only when he felt like throwing up from the taste, sleeping was either rare or all the time, and really life itself was just hard. 

Guilt and grief went hand in hand. And some days it was just too much to handle. These were the days when he sat on his couch, his hands clutching Whizzer’s letters as he searched through them for some kind of meaning. Some kind of message from beyond that would lead him back into his lovers’ arms. 

He never found it, and it always ended up with a memory too painful to deal with, and he ended up sitting there and crying, his heart aching with loss. Sometimes these ruts lasted days, until either Cordelia or Charlotte would waltz in and forced him to take care of him, the worry in their eyes evident. 

Marvin had been stuck in this rut for almost a week, and there was no signs of it stopping anytime soon.

Depression had set in, like the spark of life he held was buried in the grave with Whizzer. Some days he forgot about it all, he would wake up and turn, expecting to see whizzer laying beside him but the bed would be empty. He would think of a good joke and turn to share it with his lover only to remember he was once again alone. 

He went on with his days in a haze, filled with alcohol and tears and memories. 

He didn’t want to live life like this, but really, what choice did he have?

Whizzer took his last shred of happiness, and it wasn’t coming back until he was able to rest in Whizzers arms once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ehhh


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's writing fanfiction instead of going out on any dates today!!! This bitch!! Anyways, I got this chapter out a bit early because I finished it but here's my next chapter, now with Valentine's day themes. 
> 
> Warning for internalized homophobia, toxic masculinity, and some dub con and slight sexual themes. This is a bit of a heavy chapter and I don't condone any of Marvin's actions, hope y'all enjoy.

Marvin didn’t understand life. Never had, and most likely never will. 

He didn’t understand why life brought him to Trina, to Mendel, to Whizzer. 

He didn’t understand why life gave him a second chance after he fucked things up with Whizzer, why he was able to reconnect with the man who stole his heart. He thought it was luck, but it was all for karma. He didn’t understand why life then took Whizzer away in a cruel twist of fate, dangling the offer of a happy life in front of him before tearing it away, laughing at his pain. 

Marvin hadn’t been into work for days. Hadn’t been able to find the energy, the will. In fact, eh debated quitting his job altogether. But he found he wasn’t able to. He loved his job, he really did. 

Accounting never sounded entertaining, but Marvin loved it. Numbers never changed, they never lied to him. They were always the same, unchanging in the tide of constant change. He loved going into work and just plugging in the numbers, a familiar pattern that he could get lost in. But the effort of moving, the thought of going outside, was just too much. 

He had been doing a lot of thinking lately. He thought about a lot of things, but never got around to any of the doing. He thought of making food, going to work, showering, interacting with any of his family members, but he never did it. It was a nice thought, but as a reality? Inconceivable. He also thought about Whizzer, try as hard as he could to not. He thought about Whizzers laugh, the endearing way he never got up in time in the morning, the way his heart pounded whenever Whizzer kissed him. 

The worst part about the passing of time was the memories slipping away. 

Marvin could remember the feelings, those were always the most vivid. He could remember the warmth inside his chest, the pounding of his heart, the electricity in his skin. He remembered all those feeling Whizzer caused in him, the love, the annoyance, the joy. He rebreed it all, especially since he never felt it anymore. Finding that joy, that happiness, that love, it was almost impossible now that Whizzer was gone. 

But the other things? They were slipping away with every second slipping out of Marvin’s mind like sand in between his fingers. He couldn’t remember the exact color of Whizzers eyes, although he could remember the way they sparkled with joy, he remembered how much Marvin loved staring into them. Marvin forgot the sound of Whizzers laugh, but he remembered the bubble of happiness it caused whenever it happened. He didn’t remember the feel of Whizzers lips, but he remember how they made him melt, how even the simplest peck could leave him buzzing on adrenaline. 

He was forgetting Whizzer piece by piece every day, and the only way to keep it inside was to read the letters. 

Those god damn letters. The stupid letters that kept him away, made him cry, made him smile, made the hole inside his chest grow larger and larger until he felt like he was going to fall into it. They gave him insight that he never saw, and even as he was forgetting Whizzer, he kept on learning more and more about him. 

He picked up a letter, taking a sip of whiskey as he opened it. 

_“Dear mom,_

_Commitment. It has always been something I detest, something I had spoken about a million times to you. Something I swore off ages ago for screwing guy after guy after guy._

_But guess what mom? I broke my rule._

_His name is Marvin, and honestly I have no idea what I’m doing here. I think he’s married, tries to pretend like he’s not, but I think he is. I don’t know the gal, if she even exists, but if she does then she deserves better than what were doing. Not that I’m going to stop, I don’t think I can._

_Marvin is addicting, after that first night at the bar I gave him my address and number in a spur of the moment decision. Ever since then, we just kept hooking up. He comes to my house often, and we talk for a bit, throwing jab after jab until suddenly we’re both stripping and it ends in sex._

_He’s not my usual type, reminds me of a dad to be honest. And I also don’t normally act like this, most of my hook ups end after a week or so, but it’s been almost two months and we are still going strong. He just has a pull to him, like I’m a planet and he’s pulling me into his orbit. He’s controlling, wants me to live life by his rules, which I don’t, but I kind of like it. I kind of like him._

_I should leave, we are a disaster waiting to happen, a ticking time bomb ready to go off. I could ruin his life if we get caught, he could lose his entire reputation. But I don’t want to, I want to see how this turn out, see how far he’s willing to go for me and me for him._

_Who knows how this is going to end._

_Love, Whizzer.”_

Marvin knew how it ended, it ended with Trina finding them in the den, with her screaming and him choosing Whizzer over her and Jason. Then it ended with screaming and Marvin’s thick-headedness and Whizzer leaving. Not to be seen for two years. It ended with them back together, actually healthy and happy and all that stuff. 

But it really ended in that hospital room, with Whizzer sobbing into his arms, begging him not to leave him there to die alone. 

Marvin remembered this stage of their relationship, where they were both dancing around each other and Trina and Whizzer didn’t even know about his kid or really even Trina. 

__________________________________

It was Valentine’s day, and as he was expected, Marvin was with Trina. He bought her some stupid flowers and chocolates and kissed her and even took her out to dinner. It was a bit tense, all their interactions were, but they both pretended it wasn’t, that they were okay. 

When they got home, Marvin skillfully avoided Trina’s advances, claiming he was tired and that Jason could hear them. Trina was slightly disappointed, but he made sure to kiss her extra hard, to tell her how beautiful she was. 

Truth was, he didn’t love her anymore. That the entire night he was wishing he could instead be with Whizzer, kissing the man and sitting with him during dinner. Seeing him on Valentine’s day and being a couple with him. Trina just didn’t cut it for him anymore, any love or attraction he felt had long faded away. And maybe he could admit that maybe woman just didn’t attract him. 

But every time he thought that he felt sick, why couldn’t he just be normal? Why was he so god damn perverted that he would want to sleep with a man, with Whizzer? It was gross, immoral, went against everything he knew. And yet whenever he was in Whizzer’s arms, kissing Whizzer of screwing him, everything felt right. 

Whizzer was a mystery to him, Marvin didn’t love him, god forbid, but Whizzer interested him. An enigma filled with good and bad qualities all battling for the spotlight. Sure, Marvin had screwed other guys before, but none of them had what Whizzer did. They had the sass but without the wit pr humor. The charm but not the carefree nature. None of them were Whizzer. Marvin was starting to think that maybe it was just Whizzer he was attracted to, not men. 

No other screw could satisfy him just right like Whizzer, he didn’t enjoy their company either. With Whizzer he could actually stand talking to him, he wanted to spend time with him. But screwing him was more fun.

So the next morning he told Trina he was going to be at work all day, went to the store, and bought himself some more expensive gifts. 

Then he went and knocked on Whizzer’s door, his heart pounding but feeling content otherwise. 

Whizzer opened the door, looking slightly sleepy but still as put together as ever. 

“Happy valentine’s day?” He said, winking at Whizzer before pushing inside his apartment. 

He hated this place, really did. There was always something wrong with it, the heater broke, the stove caught on fire, the locks were broken or someone was literally kidnapped or something. But it was better than risking Whizzer coming into his own home, especially since the man knew nothing about Trina or Jason, even though Marvin thinks that Whizzer suspects it. 

“A little late huh?” Whizzer remarked, following him into the room, Marvin quickly put the gifts down on the table and turned towards the other man. 

“Better late than never, was a bit busy yesterday. But I’m here now.” Marvin lied, the words rolling off his tongue easily. He had been getting a lot better at lying lately, it came almost naturally. But that’s what he had to do if he wanted to keep both Whizzer and Trina in the dark. 

“Busy huh?” Whizzer asked, rolling his eyes. “Am I not important enough for you?”

Marvin frowned stepping closer to Whizzer and feeling a bubble of annoyance rise inside him. 

“Don’t try to tell me you weren’t busy screwing guys yesterday.” He said coolly, his blood boiling when Whizzer just smiled. Sure, Marvin was cheating on his wife currently, but what Whizzer was doing was different. Whizzer was sleeping with different men on the daily, ignoring what he and Marvin were without having any intention of breaking it off, and Marvin wasn’t. He was going to end things with Trina, eventually. Just not anytime soon. And it wasn’t like he slept with other guys. 

Well, he did a few times, when he was pissed at Whizzer for sleeping around and just wanted to prove that he could too. To get under Whizzer’s skin a little bit. All he got was hepatitis so that plan backfired.

“What Marvin, does that surprise you?” Whizzer asked, stepping forwards and grabbing Marvin’s collar, undoing the tie. Marvin bit back a snarl at the dig, not wanting to think about Whizzer with anyone else. 

Marvin loved control, and Whizzer wasn’t easily controlled. Whizzer was like a wild animal, constantly lashing out and acting wildly. Always going against Marvin’s orders and disobeying him. But Marvin was in charge, he had to be. 

He was the man here, Whizzer was just a queer who thought of himself a bit too highly. Marvin liked to bring him down a bit, show him that Marvin was the man here, the one with all the power. He stepped forwards, crashing his lips against Whizzer’s in an act of dominance, not giving the other man any chance to pull back, to do anything other than submit. 

And Whizzer did, like always. The man was putty against his hands, content to let Marvin do anything. Well, almost everything. The man still liked to take charge, to lead Marvin around while either fighting or screwing. But not today. 

Today Marvin was alight with pent up frustrations with dealing with Trina and Jason and Whizzer was acting like a brat too. Marvin quickly pull away, shoving Whizzer harshly down to his knees. 

There was no doubting who was in control when they were like this, with Whizzer down on his knees and Marvin overtop of him. There was no mistaking who was the dominant one, the one in control. 

Whizzer didn’t seem to catch on to Marvin’s bad mood, or maybe he ignore it, instead simply taking his time to undo Marvin’s pants. 

Marvin gripped his cheek roughly, jerking his face up and raising his eyebrows, the message clear. Go faster. 

But Whizzer was just staring up at him, suddenly looking emotionless. 

“Marvin.” He said quietly. “Are you married?”

Marvin blinked at the random question, his heart stuttering slightly. He knew Whizzer suspected, ever since day one. But they never talked about it, and Marvin pretended like he didn’t. 

“Why do you say that?” He asked carefully, avoiding the question. Whizzer reached up, grabbing the hand that was just on his cheek and jerking it up and twisting the ring. 

Shit. 

Marvin forgot to take it off, he normally did on the way to Whizzer’s, but today he was so excited for the idea of celebrating the holiday of love with Whizzer that he forgot. 

“Yes I am.” He admitted, feeling slightly empty when Whizzer pulled away, standing up. Whizzer’s arms were crossed, and Marvin knew that whatever control he had was now gone. 

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” Whizzer asked, looking honestly slightly annoyed. 

“Like it matters?” Marvin laughed. “Trina and Jason know nothing about you- “

“Jason?” Whizzer asked, cutting him off. “Who’s Jason?”

Marvin had no answer, at a loss of how to deal with his lover, who looked livid now. 

“Do you have a fucking son Marvin?” Whizzer hissed, and Marvin saw something behind the anger and annoyance, he saw betrayal, guilt, hurt. He didn’t know why it made his stomach twist the way it did. 

He nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He didn’t want Whizzer to learn like this, in fact, he didn’t want Whizzer to learn at all. 

“Wow.” Whizzer said, biting his lip and looking away. “I don’t think we can do this anymore Marvin.” Whizzer whispered, and something inside Marvin cracked. 

Whizzer couldn’t do this to him. Couldn’t deny him this relationship. Marvin depended on it too much, depended on Whizzer’s touch, Whizzer’s lips, Whizzer’s everything. He couldn’t let something as simple as Trina and Jason mess what he had up. Couldn’t let this man get away from him.

Yeah it was selfish, he had a wife, he shouldn’t need Whizzer, but Marvin wanted him. He wanted the man, and he would do anything to keep him. To keep getting the high he brought, the man was intoxicating. A drug Marvin wanted to get high on again and again. 

“Yes we can.” He replied, stepping closer, his heart evening out as he formed a plan. Plans, formulas, that was what he was good at. 

“No, Marvin you have a family. I’m not a homewrecker.” Whizzer hissed, looking honestly upset. Marvin didn’t care.

“Do you really want to give me up?” Marvin asked, stepping closer and pulling Whizzer down before he could protest, crashing their lips together harshly, demanding and hot. He could feel Whizzer fighting against him slightly, but the efforts were pitiful. “Do you want to give all this up?” He asked, reaching down and palming Whizzer’s crotch, causing the other man to get slightly hard and bite back a moan. 

“Marvin, I don’t-“ Whizzer started, but he was cut off when Marvin started kissing his neck, sucking a bruise on his skin. When reason failed with Whizzer, arousing him was always the best choice, the man couldn’t think properly when he was like this and Marvin was going to use that to his advantage. 

Marvin started walking forwards, pressing Whizzer against the wall and pinning his hands up above his head, sucking harder as he went down. 

Marvin had learned long ago how to best make Whizzer crumble into his hands, how to make the man moan and feel good, what turned him on and what got him ticking. And as Marvin slowly took Whizzer apart with his hands and mouth, it didn’t take long before Whizzer stopped protesting and instead started moaning his name, and then the deal was sealed. 

Sure, Whizzer now knew about his family, and Marvin knew that he wouldn’t forget. But he still had Whizzer, still was able to stay with this man and learn every inch of him. That was all that mattered.

Whizzer was his and that's all that mattered. 

_______________________

Marvin shook the memory away, a bad taste filling his mouth that he wasn’t sure was from the whiskey or disgust in himself. 

He sometimes forgot how screwed up they were in the past, how far they moved beyond that. But Marvin regretted it, regretted not listening to the man and working things out so they could be healthy before all the other shit. 

But he knew that would have never happened, they needed that time away to learn how to love themselves, and how to accept being loved. But Marvin still wished they hadn’t had it. Because he couldn’t stop the voice in the back of his mind saying that it was his fault. That Whizzer got sick because of his pigheadedness, that all this could have been avoided if he wasn’t such a dick. 

But it was too late to go back and change it, and he was bitter as hell about it. 

But this was his life, and now he had to cope with it.

It was how life worked, but Marvin really didn’t understand all that and he probably never would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, there's officially 18 chapters now, so we still got a while to go my dudes!!!


	7. Moondust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, but this is a long chapter so I hope that it makes up for it!! It starts with a flashback though so don't get confused:)

_“Dear mom,_

_I’m moving in with Marvin, which isn’t actually anything too special considering I practically live at his house by this point. But it seems weird to me. Our entire relationship is weird. Because we actually have a relationship. That’s not something I’m used to._

_I shouldn’t be this attached to Marvin, the dudes a bit of a dick. Controlling, an asshole, condescending, but sometimes things are different. Sometimes I find myself having fun, laughing, letting my walls down, letting his get a glimpse of the real me. And when he asked me to move over, I don’t know why I said yes. But something inside took over and I did, and I’m excited to see how it’ll work out._

_It will end in a disaster, that I’m sure of, but I want to see how this works out. I really do, I want to see if I can try to make something out of this messed up version of a relationship. So, I’ll keep you updated I guess._

_Love, Whizzer.”_

 

When Marvin moved into his new apartment with Whizzer, he thought it was good for a number of reasons. One, he didn’t have to deal with Trina all the time since he no longer was married to her, two he didn’t have to sneak around all the time, and three he got to spend all the time he could with Whizzer. 

Marvin always slept well when he slept with Trina, out like a light and up at reasonable times of the morning. Mostly to avoid any late-night chats with her, which would end up with them fighting. But now, living in his own apartment away from that nightmare of a woman, his sleep schedule was a bit messed up. 

Some night, he just couldn’t sleep, and he would just stare up at the ceiling, bored out of his mind and counting to avoid thinking of the mess he landed in. Those night were when Whizzer was out late, partying and screwing whoever he could find. 

But recently, after a month of living together, Whizzer had starting staying home more. Started sleeping with Marvin more, them going to bed cuddled in each others arms. And ever since then Marvin late night insomnia didn’t seem as bad. 

Mostly because Whizzer was almost entirely different while asleep. A lot calmer, peaceful, beautiful. 

Not that Whizzer wasn’t always beautiful, Marvin often marveled in just how lucky he was to have someone so pretty to be his. Whizzer was almost pretty enough to be a girl, with his perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect eyes. 

It was easier to see that when Whizzer moved in, and Marvin was grateful he did. He felt proud thinking about it sometimes, that this beautiful, spiteful man chose to live with him. Whizzer chose him out of every other man in New York. Their relationship didn’t change after he moved in, it was still filled with pettiness and small little arguments and passion, but sometimes Marvin got to see a new side to his lover.

Like when he was sleeping, he was almost an entirely new person. 

At half past two in the morning, Whizzer was fast asleep, curled up on his side, his long legs curled up towards his chest. The glow from the lamps outside half illuminated his face, and if Marvin was especially lucky a car would drive by, filling the rooms with shooting stars, making Whizzer’s face look like a piece of art. Bleaching his skin with pale lights and casting shadows around the deeper contours of his face. 

Early mornings for Marvin was often a time filled with contemplation and deep thoughts, memories and realizations floating around his head like planets. But Whizzer seemed to be the center of gravity, all his thoughts were pulled towards the man, revolving around him. Thoughts that made Marvin think that maybe, just maybe, he was falling a little bit in love with Whizzer Brown. 

These feelings were especially strong when Whizzer was sleeping. Sure, when he was awake, Marvin was still infatuated with the man. He would feel little bubbles of emotions rising up whenever Whizzer would do that cute little full body laugh, when Whizzer would wrinkle his nose when thinking, when Whizzer would let just a tiny bit of his softness and vulnerability through. 

But all those moments were rare, overtaken by passion and fights and Whizzer building up walls around him, forbidding Marvin from breaking them down. But when Whizzer was asleep, he could do none of those things. He couldn’t yell, he could say mean things to him, couldn’t shut down and storm out, leaving Marvin alone in the too large apartment. 

When Whizzer was sleep he was all soft edges, light and shadow perfectly balanced, the perfect example of vulnerability, innocence, beauty. Whizzer slept like the world was out to get him and he couldn’t care less. Coiled up but at the same time so loose, tucked in close but almost trusting. 

Whizzer was a celestial being, Marvin found that he could taste the stardust with every slow and sweet kiss they shared, see the galaxy swirling in Whizzers eyes, a crescent moon in his smirk. All the answers to every question laid in his laugh and the knowledge of every single one of the universe secrets were hidden behind his eyes. 

He was beautiful, awake and asleep, and Marvin always had trouble letting beautiful things go. He should though, because if Whizzer was the galaxy then he was a black hole, slowly eating away every aspect of him without the power to stop, to hold back. Marvin should let him go, should stop trying to force Whizzer to be something he shouldn’t. It was like trying to rearrange the stars, alter the course of every planets orbit, it was next to impossible. But Marvin couldn’t give up, because he felt like maybe this was love. 

Trina was beautiful too, in her own strange way, so maybe that’s why Marvin just couldn’t give her up either. Couldn’t leave her or Jason behind. But Marvin had replaced her in the end, tossed her and their ten-year marriage away due to his mistakes, his malfunctions in his very nature. This wasn’t the same. He refused to let this end up the same. He could show Whizzer just how amazing and wonderful their life could be, only if the other man would listen to him. 

But as the clock ticked closer and closer to three am, Marvin found he wasn’t any closer to figuring out any secrets to either Whizzer or the universe. 

______________________

It had been a week since he left his apartment to do anything other than buy some alcohol to make his nights any easier. His boss had laid him off, spoken about the fact that Marvin hadn’t come into work for weeks and that they needed to find a replacement. His boss also said that whenever he was ready they would have a job open for him. Marvin found he didn’t really care that much anymore. 

He knew he didn’t have much time left. 

His days were filled with simply sleeping, answering the multiple calls from Cordelia and Trina to check up on him, and drowning the world out with bad tasting beer. It was a horrible way to live, and he resented every moment of it, but he didn’t know what else to do. 

Didn’t know how to snap out of this bleak world he was now living in, didn’t know how to continue on with his life like this. He remembered how he once thought about how Whizzer was kind of like the center of his universe, a celestial being that Marvin desired to learn more about. 

Now, it felt like Whizzer was a million miles away, on an entirely different planet, and Marvin had no way to get to him. No way to reconnect. And now the entre gravitational pull to his life was gone, and everything was tilted on its axis, upside down and sideways and Marvin didn’t know how to walk like this. So instead he drifted, flouted in and out day by day.

Drifting always felt more dangerous than living. 

____________________________

Marvin was having a bad night. 

Sure, any night where he was sitting in his old house sandwiched in a small table being force-fed Trina’s horrible food was already bad, but this was just the cherry on top. 

It was Wednesday, and here he was sitting at the table, having to listen to Whizzer and Jason talk on and on about some stupid sport. When had Jason suddenly become so interested in baseball anyways? The sudden interest had come out of nowhere, the kid wasn’t even playing the game. 

He just watched some stupid games on the stupid tv and suddenly thought he knew everything about it. Even more annoying, it seemed like Whizzer did know everything about it and was now spreading that foolishness into his son’s head. 

“The food’s delicious Trina, thank you.” Whizzer said, flashing Trina a brilliant smile that made the woman smile softly back at him. Pathetic how easy it was to compliment the woman; the food wasn’t even that good. Marvin was sure he could make better, not that it was his job too. 

“Thank you Whizzer, you’re too kind.” She replied, and Marvin rolled his eyes. It was the same song and dance every week, those two pretended to be nice to each other, like they liked each other and both wanted to be there. Marvin was sickened by it, causing a torment of bitterness and anger to rise up his throat, lighting a fire inside his chest. 

“I think I’m going to be sick.” Marvin muttered sarcastically, resentment crawling up his throat. 

The table immediately went silent, with both Whizzer and Trina glaring at him and Jason looking down at his food, moving it around dejectedly. 

They were all silent for a few minutes before Whizzer spoke up, his voice having no trace of the tension in the room. 

“So Jason, I heard you got a new chess set last week?” Whizzer was smiling at the boy, who looked up and smile brightly, like chess was the only good thing in the world. It was better than baseball, but still the kid needed more hobbies. 

“I did!” Jason said, and Whizzer nodded for him to continue. “My last one was getting a bit dented, I broke the queen a while ago, so Mendel chipped in to help me buy a new one, it’s really neat and- “

“How is therapy going Jason?” Marvin cut in, his mood souring at the mention of Mendel doing something nice and actually being somewhat good at his job. Jason frowned a bit, his eyes flickering from Whizzer to Marvin and back before settling on his father. 

“Good, Mendel’s a little weird but he’s gives some good advice. Sometimes.” Jason said, Marvin snorted slightly. 

“Only a little weird?” He asked snarkily. 

“Don’t be rude Marvin, Mendel is doing us a huge favor by coming here to do sessions with Jason, the least you can do is pay him some respect.” Trina shot back, glaring dagger at his head. 

“Least I can do? I pay the man a lot to show up, that’s the least I can do. The man isn’t even a good therapist.” Marvin said, glaring right back at her. 

“He’s been a good therapist to me Marvin, maybe it’s all about who wants help and who is beyond help.” She hissed and Marvin ignored the way that stung a little. He was perfectly fine, he didn’t even need to go to therapy. He only did it so Trina would get off his back about it, but he wasn’t insane or mentally disturbed. He was smart and rich and had a lot going for himself. 

He didn’t want help because he didn’t need it. 

“Is that why Mendel is here so often? Because Jason needs that much help?” Marvin asked, deciding to change the topic a little bit. “Is that what you thin of our son?”

“Of course not, Jason needs a psychiatrist but he is getting a lot better. He is improving because Mendel is helping him.” Trina said, reaching out to place a hand on Jason’s shoulder, Jason shook it off, much to Marvin’s joy.

“Improving? He still doesn’t have friends, still is obsessed with those stupid games, and he isn’t normal. I have seen no change in him at all.” Marvin said, glaring at Trina.

“Maybe that’s because your always off with your lover instead of being an actual father to Jason.” Trina hissed, spitting lover like t was a dirty term, and Marvin guessed that it kind of was. What WHizzer and him were doing was wrong, but Marvin didn't really care anymore. But it wasn’t like he wanted their family to change, he wanted to be there for Jason, god he loved that kid to bits, but Jason wasn’t too fond of him. Forcing the two of them to spend time together was like mixing oil and water, they just didn’t mix well. 

“You say that like you were a good mother to him.” Marvin laughed, relishing the way Trina’s face dropped in slight sadness.

“Or maybe both of you did not do the best job as parents because your trying to force your kid to be someone he isn’t.” Whizzer snapped out of nowhere, and Trina and Marvin both turned to him in surprise. Whizzer loved fighting, Marvin knew that, but he normally stayed out of his and Trina’s arguments, claiming their 'too stupid for him to contribute to'. 

“You stay out of this.” Marvin hissed at him, kicking his sharply under the table. “You are not apart of this family.”

Was it cruel? Most likely, but it needed to be said. Whizzer was in a whole different plane of existence when it came to this family. The only reason he was at this dinner was because Marvin needed something to ground him. 

Whizzer’s face darkened, his brown eyes turning into pools of nothingness, his face carefully blocked of from Marvin telling what he was thinking. 

“Maybe so, but Jason and I are done eating, so you guys have fun finishing up while we leave.” Whizzer snapped, standing up and looking over at Jason, who also stood and followed the taller man out of the dining room and into the den. 

Trina and Marvin glared across the table at each other, both of them stabbing at the food left there in silence, the clicking of their utensils the only sound that could be heard. After a tense five minutes, Marvin’s and Trina’s plates were cleared, and Trina started to gather up the dishes while Marvin left to find his lover and son. 

They were sitting in the den, playing chess on the couch. Whizzer was facing him, a soft smile on his face as Jason kept trying to teach him how to play. The man just didn’t get it, always forgetting which ones were which and confusing the moves up, it wasn’t like it was complicated or anything. 

But Jason kept teaching him, probably because he could win every time no matter what. Jason was currently berating Whizzer for moving his pawn the wrong way when Whizzer caught his eye, his smile vanishing as he nodded once and said something quiet to Jason before getting up and walking away. 

Presumably to help Trina with the dishes like always. It was funny how he volunteered to do it here every time, without complaint or showing distain, and yet when Marvin asked him to do some stupid chore around the house he suddenly became a prick about it. 

Marvin shook the feeling away, walking over to sit where Whizzer just left. “Can I take over for him?” He asked softly to his kid, who glanced up at him almost bored. 

“I guess.” Jason muttered, moving a piece almost lazily. Marvin ignored the sting in his chest at the almost dismissal. 

Marvin had to fight to spend time with the kid, and every interaction was forced, strained, neither of them really wanting to be there. His kid, who he raised, practically detested spending any time with him. And yet Whizzer was sitting here just moments ago, smiling and laughing and getting along with Jason and Jason seemed to enjoy it. Why did he like Whizzer more than him? What did Whizzer have that Marvin didn’t? And now Mendel was apparently over here all the time, buying the kid a new chess set and giving him advice.

Where did Marvin fit into all of this? Was he just the deadbeat dad now? One that Jason didn’t want to be seen with, didn’t want to be associated with? Was that all he was now? Marvin swallowed, blinking back the sudden emotions rising up. 

He moved the pawn. 

After three almost silent chess games, all of which Jason won, he heard Whizzer exit the kitchen and he said a quick goodbye to Jason, leaving the room to meet his lover at the entrance. Feelings were swirling inside of him, and he masked them with anger and annoyance, because that’s all he knew how to do. It was so much easier to be annoyed than hurt and sad. 

“Are you ready to go?” He asked Whizzer, who looked slightly dead inside himself. Marvin just wanted to go home and pound him into the mattress, get all of this extra anger out in a way that benefited them both, made them both satisfied. He could lose himself in the planes of Whizzer’s body and Whizzer could get the sex he wanted.

“Sure.” His lover replied, and Marvin moved forwards, grabbing Whizzer wrists and crashing their lips together, hungry and passionate and hard, Marvin wanting to feel the life he always found in Whizzer’s lips. But Whizzer seemed different, almost hesitant to kiss back. So Marvin kissed him a bit harder, squeezed his wrists a bit tighter, and Whizzer was back. Kissing him just as hungrily and Marvin felt a pool of heat already start to form in his abdomen. 

“Let’s go pretty boy.” Marvin whispered when they parted, and Whizzer nodded, a smile plastered onto his face that looked plastic, fake, but Marvin ignored it. If something was bothering Whizzer he would say so.

_____________

 

Charlotte entered his apartment in a flurry of slammed doors and anger. She entered with a fierce look on her face, still dressed for work and looking like nothing in the world could stop her. 

“Marvin I swear to god you get up from that couch right now or else I will remove you from it and smack some god damn sense into you.” She said, storming right up to where he was sitting on the couch, reading through Whizzer’s letters. 

“Hello Charlotte, wasn’t expecting you. Care for a drink?” He said sarcastically, looking up at her. 

She crossed her arms, and maybe sarcasm wasn’t the best idea. “I think you’ve been doing enough drinking for the both of us.” She snapped back, but Marvin barely even felt the blow. He was numb, emotionally and physically. 

“What do you need Char?” He sighed, putting the letter he was reading down. 

“Your son just called me.” She said, and Marvin blinked in surprise, he hadn’t seen Jason for a few weeks, ever since him and Trina came storming through the door and they spent the night cuddling on the couch. 

“Why? What did he want? Is he okay?” Marvin asked, sitting up and staring at her, a bubble of panic rising in his chest. Jason never called the lesbians unless something was wrong. 

“He wanted to know if he could come over here tomorrow. Or if you still wanted to be alone.” Charlotte said, and Marvin’s heart broke a little more. 

Did Jason think he didn’t want him over here? Did he think that Marvin was too busy wallowing in grief to pay attention to his son? Was Jason afraid to come over? 

Was this the kind of father he had become?

“What did you tell him?” He asked, his voice hollow. 

“I told him to come over.” She said carefully. “And now I’m here to make sure that you will be a good father for him.” 

A tiny prick of irrational anger filled him at the words. “Are you saying I’m not a good father?” He spit at her, and she sighed. 

“I’m saying that you haven’t been functioning lately and that’s not what a grieving kid should have to deal with.” She said softly, and the anger drained out of him as quick as it came. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, tears pricking his eyes. He heard Charlotte make a small noise before she was walking towards him, sitting next to him and pulling him into her side. He embraced the hug, letting his head drop onto her shoulder. 

“It’s okay.” She whispered, running a hand through his tangled hair. “Your grieving, your allowed to grieve Marvin. But Jason needs, you, I need you. Please don’t shut yourself out, please.” She whispered, and Marvin nodded, tears running down his cheeks. 

What would Whizzer think if he could see him? If he was watching Marvin shut himself away from the world, drink himself into oblivion and just be an all-around horrible father. 

“I’m sorry.” He repeated, and Charlotte nodded, understanding every apology he was trying to say. Every mistake he ever made, before or after Whizzer’s death all wrapped up into one. 

“Everything will be alright.” She whispered to him, but the words felt hollow, uncertain. How could everything be alright when Whizzer wasn’t there? When Marvin himself might not be there soon either?

Nothing was going to be alright.


	8. Chapter 8

Marvin had cleaned the entire house twice after Charlotte left. 

He scrubbed the tears from his face until his cheeks were red and sore, and he picked up some cleaning supplies and got down on his knees, scrubbing at the floors and putting away all evidence of his spiral. 

He couldn’t let Jason see him like this, couldn’t let Jason see how much he was falling apart. He needed this distraction, to see Jason and pretend like everything was okay again, pretend like they were a nice happy family. 

So he scrubbed the floors with bleach until his eyes ached from the fumes and his hands were sore, and then he went around and washed them again, and again, and again. Until everything was so clean that Whizzer would be proud of him. The man was always such a neat freak.

He had to have all his clothes perfectly ironed and hung up the way he liked it, and he detested it when Marvin would just leave his things lying around. It made Marvin smile thinking about Whizzer running around the house, yelling at him while picking up random jackets and shirts off the couch and floor and shoving them into the laundry. 

But the smile faded away along with the memory, and he was just left alone with an obnoxiously clean apartment and a bittersweet taste in his mouth. 

Looking around, Marvin saw the letters still scattered around the couch, the one thing he didn’t have the heart to fully put away. He didn’t think that if he threw it back into the closet it would ever come out again. 

Marvin picked one up, sorting through them until he found where he left off. 

He read a few bittersweet ones about Whizzer’s job, or his midnight adventures around town trying to find a good place for photos, or reading about a nice moment between Whizzer and himself. But one caught his eye, and single letter that made his heart pump and mind run. 

_“Dear mom,_

_I think I’m in love._

_Yeah, it’s as bad as it sounds. It all happened when that asshole of a best friend called me up and joked about me being in love with Marvin. And the idea stuck. I couldn’t be in love with Marvin could I? Love is stupid, a weakness, something I swore off to make life easier. But then I met Marvin._

_And then whenever Marvin laughs I feel a weird tightening in my chest, whenever he goes on and on about some stupid thing at work I find myself watching him and the feeling of how content I am startles me. Whenever we cuddle I just feel right in his arms and he feels right in mine and whenever we’re together everything is alight with passion and fire and oh god mom it feels like love._

_But it’s useless. He claims to love me back, says all he wants from me is love. But it’s not true. If he loved me we wouldn’t be the way we were. He wouldn’t force his toxic ideas onto me or force me to do the things he wants me to. This can’t be love. I’m probably just confused._

_I’ll figure it out, this relationship is for sex and money, that’s all I want. I think that’s all I want._

_Whizzer.”_

Marvin could barely breathe, could barely think and the only thing he could do was laugh. 

Whizzer loved him?

Sure, Marvin knew after they got back together that Whizzer loved him. That was clear, but he thought that before there was nothing there. Just the passion that let them continue of the path they were. But Whizzer loved him. 

It was weird to think about. That man had made it abundantly clear on multiple occasions that their relationship was all sex and money, that there wasn’t really an actual relationship. 

He remembered that clearly. 

__________________________

Marvin had been mad before. In fact, he was often very mad. At himself, at the world, at Trina, and Whizzer. 

But god, this one topped it all. He had never felt this much distain in his life, never felt so annoyed and angry. 

Because he just got off the phone with Jason, who called to see if he could stay at Marvin’s that weekend, and learned that Trina was dating Mendel. 

Mendel. 

Now, Marvin knew the woman had poor taste, just look at her taste in clothing, or food, or really anything, but he didn’t know it was that bad. Mendel for gods sake!

Sure, it wasn’t a complete shock, Marvin knew that Mendel had been over at their house an absurd amount of times for what they called ‘therapy’, but he didn’t think it would get this far, he never thought of Mendel as a threat. 

 

Mendel, who looked like a badly dress grandpa, who talked like one too. Mendel, who was a horrible psychiatrist, who couldn’t hold a basic conversation without stuttering and fumbling over his words. Mendel, who was the literal definition of a disappointed. Hell the man was almost in his forties and he still couldn’t string together a bunch of words to form a coherent sentence. 

It was all so stupid. It was just another one of Trina’s pitiful attempts to get back at Marvin, to dig under his skin and rub it in his face. It was just so, immature, stupid, childish. It was a horrible attempt to erase everything between the two of them, to deny the history they shared, to pretend that Marvin wasn’t there. And it pissed him off, made him so god damn mad that she thought she could get away with this.

The anger didn’t disappear, not even after weeks of festering and thinking it over. The toll it took showed. Marvin needed an outlet, something or someone to take all this stress out of. Marvin learned quickly that when you tried to internalize anger, it tended to fester and then get projected onto whoever was closest, and Whizzer was always the closest. 

Whizzer put up with it for a few weeks, becoming just as angry and spiteful as Marvin. His normally weak insults suddenly turned personal, some of them actually having an effect on Marvin. Their fights turned from petty arguments that ended in sex into full blown screaming matches that ended with slammed doors and tension that was only solved by hate fucking. Whizzer also acted like every little thing Marvin asked him to do was too much for him. He refused to cook dinner, do the laundry, wash the dishes. It was getting on Marvin’s nerves. It wasn’t too much to ask for.

Whizzer finally had enough of him almost a week and a half later, after Marvin said some snarky little comment at Dinner. 

“What the hell is your problem Marvin?” Whizzer snapped, slamming his fork down onto the table and glaring daggers at him. Marvin stared at him, slightly put off by the random display of anger. Whizzer showed his anger not through slamming things and gestures like Marvin but rather by cutting words and looks. Whenever Whizzer lashed out at something it really meant that he was at the end of his rope. 

“Other than you?” Marvin asked innocently, feeling a sick pleasure as Whizzer bared his teeth at him. 

“Oh shove it. You’ve been annoyingly pissy lately and I want to know why.” Whizzer said, his palms flat on the table as he leaned towards him. And Marvin studied him for a moment. The light in the kitchen was bright, illuminating Whizzers face and lighting up the lines of stress and anger, his eyes alight with anger and annoyance. 

“Trina is dating Mendel.” He blurted out, not really thinking. He figured he might as well vent about it at some point though. 

Whizzer laughed. “Yeah, so?” He asked, leaning back and studying Marvin right back. Marvin wondered what he saw. 

“So what does she think she’s doing!” Marvin said, throwing his hands up. “It’s petty and immature and she had to know better than this.” He ranted. 

“What, know better than to move on from you and live her life? What a petty and immature thing to do.” Whizzer replied sarcastically. Marvin’s anger spiked, he just didn’t get it. Whizzer never did, he didn’t have a kid, a family, anything like that. 

“You’re not listening. It’s stupid and irresponsible.” He started, but Whizzer cut him off. 

“Stupid and irresponsible just like you moving on was? How is her dating Mendel any different from you dating me? Other than, you know, she waited until after the divorce.” Whizzer said dryly. 

“It’s not the same.” Marvin defended. “It’s not like she loves him or- “

“What?” Whizzer asked, laughing. “She doesn’t love him like we love each other? Get your head out of your ass Marvin.” Whizzer said, and Marvin ignored the way his mouth dried up and all anger drained out of immediately. 

Sometimes he forgot that Whizzer didn’t love him back. That Marvin was the only one hopelessly in love with the other. He opened his mouth to talk, but really what could he say? How could he respond to something like that? Luckily, or well unluckily, Whizzer continued. 

“We are not in love Marvin. We are both here for nothing but the sex, for fun. I don’t know what your trying to convince yourself that this is, love, or monogamy or some stupid shit like that. But this isn’t it. I made that clear from the start. So snap out of this stupid god damn mood and get over yourself.” Whizzer snapped and Marvin looked down, the silence dragging out afterwards. 

“I’m going out.” Whizzer said after a minute, suddenly a lot quite and defeated. Marvin looked up at him, and there was a small flicker o something in Whizzer’s eyes. It was gone before Marvin could fully see what it was, Whizzer along with it, the door clicking closed behind him. 

Marvin wanted to feel mad, annoyed or frustrated. But all he felt was hollow. 

______________________

Marvin never kidded himself back then, he never thought that Whizzer loved him back. He dreamed about it of course, about having Whizzer look at him with something other than passion or annoyance or tolerance. He dreamed of having Whizzer smile at him softly and stare at him with love in his eyes. He got it in the end, but not before everything royally screwed up. 

Sometimes he could kid himself into believing it, when Whizzer woke up and gazed at him sleepily and softly. Or when Whizzer would laugh at once of his jokes. Back then Marvin thought that maybe that was love, but he never was convinced of it. 

Until now, because apparently Whizzer had loved him. Marvin really didn’t know what to do with that information, but he guess that didn’t matter anyways. He couldn’t go back and change things. Because after that everything went to shit. 

Nothing improved from where they were, only worsened. They fought often after that instance, full blown screaming matches that ended horribly. They rarely got along, their conversations filled with double edged blades, and Marvin remembered himself being a large asshole, forcing Whizzer to do things he didn’t want to do. And it ended horribly, bitterly, and without any closure. 

But they got better, he had to remember that. He found Whizzer again, and what they had was good, sweet, worth it in the end. 

But then a small voice in his head reminded him that it was all gone once more. Buried deep inside the ground alongside Whizzer’s rotting body.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH this is kind of short sorry

Twelve weeks. 

It had officially been twelve weeks since Whizzer’s heart stopped beating. Three whole months. 

The first month or so he was able to force himself to function, sure he was still sad, in a daze, wandering around day by day with little to no meaning, but he managed. But now, his life was out of whack. 

Now, he truly knew what it was like to live a life without Whizzer, and he didn’t like it, not one bit. Every day was bland, boring, Marvin was barely able to get by each one, instead choosing to sleep most of the day, preferring the state of blessed nothingness to living without his lover. 

It was easy to forget how much his world revolved around Whizzer when the man was still alive. Marvin would wake up with Whizzer, go to work and then come home and spend the night with Whizzer, and then probably screw Whizzer and then go to bed. On weekends he would do most of those things, but he would instead come home and spend the night with Whizzer and Jason. A simple routine he loved, a routine he was content with. But now there was no Whizzer to keep him grounded, keep him happy. 

The bleakness reminded him of their first break up, the first disastrous time they spent apart, the two years of immense boredom and worry and trying to mend everything he messed up. 

It had been a very interesting time.

__________________

It had been three days since the world stopping fight between him and Trina, and Marvin had yet to leave her house. They agreed after they all sat down and talked that it would be best for Marvin to stay there for a while, to try to right the multiple wrongs he made. 

He tried not to think of that night, when he stormed into their house, yelled at them for no reason, was so blindsided by his anger that he lashed out, slapping Trina on the cheek. The guilt had been eating him away, and a thousand apologies couldn’t repair the damage he caused. 

When Mendel hurried Trina off into a different room, he was left alone with Jason. He remembered sitting his kid down and talking to him, explaining why he was the way he was, why he was so upset and angry all the time. He explained that he was going to get help, to try and be a better dad to him. Jason screamed at him, cried and yelled until he just collapsed into his father's’ arms, and a slow bond was now being carefully built. 

After Jason was in bed, he sat down in the den with Trina and Mendel, to two of them on the couch and him sitting across the room. He didn’t ignore the way Mendel sat between him and Trina, and Marvin saw for the first time the love they had. They protective and fierce side of Mendel that Trina brought out, and how jealous he was of what they shared. That should have been him. 

But they sat down and talked, and Marvin swore he was going to try, Mendel referred him to multiple colleges that dealt with anger issues, problems like that. Trina started crying, and then he was crying, and Mendel was pulling them both in for a hug and normally Marvin would have hated that. But at the moment he needed to comfort, even from a man he disliked. 

Now, three days later, they were eating dinner at the table, for once Trina and him weren’t fighting and in all honesty it was a nice affair. 

Then Jason looked up at him, all wide eyes and innocence. “Hey dad,” He started, and Marvin hummed not really listening. “Where’s Whizzer?” 

Marvin’s heart stuttered, his fork hovering over his plate and his mouth opening and closing. 

He had been trying not to think about Whizzer. About the fight that ended with both of them screaming and Marvin kicking him out, think about Whizzer having tears in his eyes but pretending like he didn’t. He didn’t want to think about him slamming the door, anger bubbling up inside him as he drove to Trina’s. 

“He’s gone.” Marvin said quietly, looking down and avoiding all three of their prying eyes. He hadn’t told any of them anything. He wanted to say more, but found that his throat was closing up. Emotions surging to the surface. 

He had ruined everything. 

He wasn’t going to wake up to Whizzer ever again, wasn’t going to laugh with him, or kiss him, or screw him or spend time together. He had ruined everything they had for his own selfish reasons. 

“Will he ever come back?” Trina asked carefully, trending lightly in case he blew up. But Marvin wasn’t angry, just sad, defeated. 

“I don’t think so.” He replied honestly, pushing food around on his plate. 

“You kicked him out didn’t you!” Jason accused, his voice loud and angry, and sometimes he forgot how much of an impact Whizzer had on the kid. “It was all your fault- “

“Jason.” Mendel cut him off lowly, his hand on Jason’s arm. Marvin barely even noticed too busy pushing down the tears in his eyes. He couldn’t let them see him being so weak, so pathetic.

“Is he at least safe?” Jason whispered, emotions high in his own voice. 

Marvin heart stopped again. “I don’t know.” He said truthfully. 

“I-I think I need to go. Sorry.” He said, standing up rapidly and practically running away. 

He was out the door in a second, grabbing his jacket and walking down the street. They didn’t follow him. 

What if Whizzer wasn’t safe? 

Marvin kicked him out of the only place he had to stay after forcing him to skip out on specific gigs because Marvin deemed them unimportant since he was living off of Marvin’s money. So Whizzer was out there without a place to stay, likely with only a small amount of money and upset and maybe a little scared. 

It was almost winter, what if he got sick? Whizzer could be out on the streets right now, cold and getting sick and with no one to fall back on. 

What if he was attacked? It had happened before, and Whizzer could hold his own in a fight, but what if there was too many? He could bleed out on the streets and it would all be his fault. 

He had no clue where Whizzer was, if he was safe, if he was okay, and it was driving him insane. This was all his fault. 

He took a deep breath, running his hands through his hair and laughing. He was being stupid, he just needed to calm down and go to bed. That sounded like a good plan. 

Then he could work on being a better ex, a better father, and maybe one day a better lover.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up bitches I'm not dead. 
> 
> In all seriousness I'm sorry for disappearing for a long time? I kind of just lost inspiration and forgot about writing this. But I want to power through to the end, only eight more chapters left!! This is a really short chapter and I apologize but I wanted to give you guys something.

_Dear mom,_

_It’s been over three months and things are not good to say the least._

_I’m spiralling again and I’m not sure what to do next. Rent is coming up and my boss has been cutting my hours again. I don’t like or enjoy work lately, but I need it. I need the money or else I’m on the streets again and I don’t want to think about what will happen then._

_I hate everything about this, I hate the fact that I can’t seem to bounce back from this, and I bounce back from everything. ‘Whizzer always lands on his feet’ – that’s what Delia would always say to me. She’s trying her best to help me, but she’s moving soon and I can’t bother her like that._

_Most days I don’t want to get out of bed._

_I hate this, hate everything that’s happening, everything that happened. I hate working constantly and it never being enough. I hate going out everyday and doing things I love but it’s never enough to make me smile. I saw Trina a week ago, and I’m trying. I swear to god I’m trying._

_I won’t give up. I promise._

_Love, Whizzer.”_

Marvin put the letter down, an anxious feeling swirling in his gut as he paced around the couch. 

The last five letters of Whizzer had been outlining his struggle, talking about the sleepless nights, the nightmares, the financial strain. 

And it was all because of Marvin, because his selfish need to be better made him throw Whizzer out on his ass. Because Marvin had his head so far up his ass that he started spewing shit everywhere. 

Then before he could stop it Whizzer was gone and Marvin was struggling to be better for them all. Whizzer was too apparently. 

Marvin put his head in his hands, guilt pushing at him from all sides. Why didn't he think before he acted? Why did he let Whizzer go? Would things have changed if he didn't kick him out? Would Whizzer still be alive?

No, he couldn't think like that. Couldn't force himself down that path, asking too many questions only made everything worse. Made his chest ache a little too much and made him start to hyperventilate. So instead he closed his eyes and breathed. 

Whizzer had mentioned Trina in his letter, asking him to her wedding. He almost forgot she did that, but the memory of that interaction was still burned in the back of his mind. 

_____________

“Marvin!” Trina said, pounding on his front door loudly, startling him from where he was dozing off on the couch. He briefly debated ignoring that, but then remembered he was trying his best to get along with her. It was tiring being a good person sometimes.

He walked up and opened the door, cutting off the angry flurry of knocking as she stormed in pushing him to the side. 

“Trina? Why are you here?” He asked, slightly confused but mostly just wanting the woman out of his house. They were attempting to rebuild their relationship, but truly it was hard and house visits weren’t really expected. They tried to avoid each other as much as possible.

“Guess who I ran into this morning?” Trina asked, facing him and placing her hands on her hips. “Whizzer!” She cried without waiting for a reply. 

Marvin ignored the soft sting in his heart, the ping of longing inside of him when he heard his lovers name. Ex lover. He had to keep reminding himself that, even after three months. 

“Oh.” Was all he could say, wondering just how awkward that interaction must have been. He wasn’t even aware that Whizzer was still in New York. But a small flutter of relief filled him, because Whizzer was alive and safe, as far as he could tell. 

Maybe there was still hope, if he managed to find him again. 

“How did he look?” He asked after a moment, staring at Trina for any scrap of information. 

“Like crap.” Trina hissed, and Marvin’s heart fell. “What did you do to him?” She accused, pointing a finger and pushing it onto his chest. Marvin blinked in surprise. 

“I-I don’t, I don’t know what your talking about.” He stuttered, confused and slightly worried at how mad Trina appeared to be. Her face was carved out of pure anger, her cheeks stained red with the effort.

“He looked like he hadn’t slept since the breakup.” She hissed, and Marvin frowned. That sounded like Whizzer, the idiot tended to give up sleep when stressed or upset, spending his time partying or other stupid things. “He was thin as a rail too, stressed and worn out and it’s your fault isn’t it!” She said, tears forming in her eyes and Marvin was speechless. 

He knew Trina tried to hate Whizzer. Tried to pretend like she despised the man and all he stood for, but the truth was that Whizzer wormed his way into all of their hearts. Had left such a big impact on all of them. 

And god damn it, it was his fault wasn’t it?

He pushed the thought out of his mind, the guilt and sadness crawling up his throat once again. 

“I don’t want to talk about it okay Trina.” He sighed, rubbing a hand over his eyes. 

“I’ve been respecting your privacy Marvin, but this is stupid.” Trina said, and Marvin felt some of his former anger raised inside of him. 

“Get out of my apartment Trina.” He hissed at her, turning his back on her. 

“Don’t walk away Marvin. I want to know what you did.” Trina said, following him. “Why did you guys break up? Whose decision was it? What was the final straw?” She said, following him around despite him trying to get away. 

“None of your business Trina!” He yelled, turning towards her and pushing down the guilt he felt when she flinched a little. All the anger forming inside of him shriveled and he pulled back away from her. “It was a mistake okay? I don’t want to talk about it.”

Trina nodded, the anger still shielded in her eyes but at least she didn’t push. 

“I invited him to the wedding.” She said casually, and Marvin’s chest tightened. Did Whizzer say yes? Was he going to be able to see the man again? Did Marvin even want to see him? 

“Did he accept?” He asked, not too proud of the hesitant note in his voice, the slight waver in it. If Trina noticed she didn’t notice. 

“No.” She said with a laugh. “It was a bullshit excuse though.” 

“I don’t blame him." Marvin said, looking away again. “I wouldn’t want to see me either.” 

Trina stayed silent for a moment. “Do you want to see him?” She asked bluntly, but not unkind. 

Did he? He missed Whizzer more than he would like to admit. Missed seeing him as he woke up in the morning. Missed his laugh and the way his hair bounced when he moved dramatically. Missed their petty little arguments that ended with them kissing and then going to bed. He missed Whizzer, and a small part of him ached to see him. To repair the damage. To see him and kiss him and love him.

“No.” He told her, a bitter smile on his face. “I don’t need him.” 

He was lying.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just kind of updating this story when I feel like it, sorry for anyone whos actually interested in reading this lmao this turned into me simply writing this for my own pleasure

Marvin shouldn’t be here. 

He had no idea why he came, why he was still here, why he thought this was a good idea. 

The lights in the bar was dim, conversations were filtering around the room, muted laughter sounding from one of the booths. 

The bartender gave him a beer without needing to be asked, a look of pity on his face. 

“You look like you need it.” He said as an excuse and Marvin nodded, he really did. “What’s bothering you? I haven’t seen you here before.” 

The bartender was trying to be friendly, it it made something at the back of Marvin’s throat ache, he used to come here all the time after him and Whizzer’s break up. 

“Just stressed.” He lied, taken a nice sip of his drink. 

“There’s other ways to deal with that.” The bartender said, his voice suddenly low and it took Marvin a moment to realize the man was flirting with him. It was a gay bar after all. 

The thought made Marvin’s throat fill with bile and he blinked back the tears and once again reminded himself to why this was such a stupid idea. 

“Ah.” He said weakly, not willing to say anything more. 

“My shifts off in twenty minutes, maybe stick around and I can help you get your mind off of things.” The man said with a wink, walking away to help some other customers. 

Marvin hated himself for it, but he considered it. 

The man was cute, with nice black hair styled to perfect, a strong but still thin and graceful body, and the distraction would be nice, it would be nice to get lost in someone’s body for a bit. 

But Whizzer’s face was still behind his eyelids and it made him breathless, like losing him all over again. Then he remembered Charlotte's warnings, the risk he was carrying. 

He left a twenty on the counter and left the bar without another thought. 

A year ago he wouldn’t even have hesitated, would have stayed at the bar and left with the bartender with no regrets. Screwed him in the bathroom or if it was during the week, back at his place. But now he couldn’t, couldn’t even imagine sleeping with anyone. He did it back then to ignore the pain, but this time to wound was still too fresh for him to even debate numbing with another mans body. 

He remembered when Whizzer told him about all the people he slept with during their two-year break. He remembered the slight fear in his eyes as Whizzer waited for the rejection he thought was coming. But Marvin wasn’t able to get mad at him, because he did it too. He also got lost in other men’s bodies and hoped that he could replace the ghost of Whizzer’s body against his. 

It never worked. 

He had tried dating too, but Jason was extremely against that idea. The small memory of that particular part of his life made a smile ghost his lips. 

________________

 

Marvin was beyond nervous, it was a Friday night and Jason should be there at any second. 

He had a new idea he wanted to talk to his kid about, something that had been a pressing issue for a few weeks, but this was the only time he had the courage to speak to his child about. 

He was being stupid, it was just Jason. Sure, they were still getting over the extremely rocky part of their relationship, but they had improved a ton. There was no need for Marvin to be terrified about this, no reason at all. 

He was still scared shitless. 

Who wouldn’t be? After his clusterfuck of a relationship with Whizzer, it’s only fair that he would be scared to introduce another man to his son. Who knew what the kid would think of him this time?

Would he accept him this time around? Maybe try to get along with this one? Would his dating life even matter to the kid? Would Jason just roll his eyes and tell him to do whatever he wants as long as he leaves him alone? 

Weirdly enough all were likely. 

Either way, there was no avoiding this. Logan and him had met a little over a month ago at an obscure bar in town, one Marvin was sure Whizzer wouldn’t be at. The two of them had hit it off, and they were pretty much dating at this point. Logan had been pressuring Marvin to let him move it, saying that his rent was almost due and he needed to know if he should keep paying or just give it up and go live there with him. 

So Marvin had to tell Jason and get his opinion on the whole matter. It’s not like he had a choice. If it was up to Marvin, he would just have Logan live here and screw off wherever for the weekends so Jason wouldn’t be a problem, but well that was unrealistic.

Jason came in perfectly on time for the first time in weeks, a frown already on his face. 

“Hey kid, how was your day?” Marvin asked, trying his hand at being the supportive father bit. 

“Horrid.” Jason replied, moving past him, doing the whole moody kid bit. 

“Hey can we talk for a minute?” Marvin said, grabbing the kids arm and pulling him a bit back. “I need to ask you something.” 

“Make it quick.” Jason sighed, as if every second he spent with his father was grueling and painful. Marvin sighed, dropping the act of the friendly father. Him and Jason may be father and son, but they worked differently than a traditional family. 

“I have a friend who might come to live here for a while.” Marvin said carefully, watching as Jason face fell further. “I just wanted to check it over with you.”

“Are you guys dating?” Jason asked, and Marvin sighed. 

“I guess you could say so.” He replied. 

“Why should I care, not like I have much of a choice either way.” Jason said, his movements jerking as he stood up and stormed into his room, leaving Marvin behind confused and unsure how to go on. 

Technically he had gotten Jason’s permission, but the kid was obviously worked up about something, what Marvin had no clue. 

He sighed, standing up to go order some take out, his go to meal when Jason was over, well his go to meal in general. 

He would let Logan move in, he liked the man and there was a chance that they could work together, and they could see how things worked out. He deserved the chance, he deserved to give it a shot. 

_____________

It most definitely didn’t work out. 

The first few days or so seemed good, the two of them had gotten along well, their days filled with a lot of flirting and some very nice sex. Logan wasn’t the best Marvin had ever bed, but he was pretty good. 

But then Friday came around, and Jason came over to meet him. 

Logan was worried out of his mind, going on and on about wanting to make a good first impression on the kid, that he wanted to be a good friend to him, someone he could look up to. Marvin wasn’t sure that Jason really needed one, the kid had plenty of parental figures but seemed determined to do everything they wouldn’t do. 

They did not get along. Logan was trying his hardest, but Jason was being completely unreasonable. He would shoot down every question Logan asked, refused the food the man made, and locked himself in his room as soon as possible. Logan was heartbroken, but Marvin really wasn’t surprised. 

The next few weeks went on similar to that, with the weekdays being nice and the weekend hell. Jason was a passive aggressive little monster, always unhappy when in Logan’s presence and refusing to comply with any of Marvin’s pleads. 

He tried not to get frustrated with it all. He liked Logan, he liked the man’s sense of humor, the way he listened to everything Marvin said, his laid-back personality. He wasn’t that bad to look at either, with bright blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes. They two of them had a simple relationship. 

But it was so goddamn boring sometimes. 

There was no spark between them, no arguments that could lead to hours making out and then were hot sex. There was nothing that made Marvin’s heart pump, his blood rush. It was all so overwhelmingly boring that sometimes he wished that Logan would let Marvin push his buttons, would give in to his relentless teasing and passive aggressiveness. 

Their relationship was failing, but Marvin wasn’t a quitter. In fact, he was one of the most stubborn men in New York. So instead of doing the right thing and admitting defeat before things got out of hand, he decided to talk to Jason about it. 

Logan was out on a work trip for the weekend, so when Jason came over it was just the two of them. 

“Can you at least put in an effort to get along with Logan?” Marvin asked at dinner, causing Jason to frown even harder. 

“I don’t like him.” Jason said stubbornly. 

“Why not?” Marvin asked. “He’s nice to you, he wants to get to know you better, and he’s a good man.”

“He’s not Whizzer.” Jason snapped, standing up and storming to his room, leaving Marvin alone in the kitchen. 

Was this what it was all about? Jason was missing Whizzer? Marvin knew that Whizzer and Jason had a weird relationship when Marvin and him were together, but they didn’t seem overly close. But Jason missed Whizzer, apparently rejected the idea of another man simply because he wasn’t Whizzer. 

Marvin continued to clean, too tired to continue puzzling over his son’s relationship with his ex-lover. 

But it stayed in his mind, and slowly Marvin realized he couldn’t do this anymore. Logan just wasn’t enough for him anymore, there was no spark, no fire, nothing fueling their relationship. So he broke it off. Logan did scream at him, didn’t fight, simply kissed his cheek and wished him the best before packing his bag and leaving. 

Thinking about Whizzer and his son gave him a headache as he tried to puzzle it out, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he missed Whizzer too. 

Which was bullshit. Whizzer was probably out screwing his way through the entire gay population of New York, Marvin a distant thought in his mind. Whizzer never cared about him; their relationship was a game. Whizzer would call him a sentimental idiot for missing him. Would laugh at his weakness. 

So Marvin did the only thing he could think of to replace the hole Whizzer left. 

He decided that if Whizzer could screw around with no qualms then so could he. Every few nights after work he would walk or drive down to some bar, find some cute man with lighting behind his smile, and they would screw either in the dirty bathroom, or if they were lucky they went home and spent the night lost in each others bodies. 

Over and over again he slept with man after man, finding pleasure in the back of seedy gay bars where he knew he wouldn’t run into a familiar face. He liked the feeling of stranger’s bodies under his, bending to his every will and desire. They had fire, they would spit at him, mutter dirty words into the air between their naked bodies, but they were nothing like what Marvin used to have. 

It was almost boring, the hookups he had. Sure, they were amazing while they lasted. But they truly lacked the thing that really got Marvin going, the thing that made him tick, made him feel alive.

He only tried to have a solid relationship with a man once or twice after Logan, and every time Jason shut them down, refusing to bond or even act nice to them. And every time Marvin played right into his hand, ending things before Jason could throw a proper fit. 

So that’s how things worked, with him screwing around as much as he could but unable to fully forget the man that started his whole screw every gay man that breathed phase of his life. Although, not for lack of effort on Marvin’s part. 

It was just that everything seemed dull and boring without Whizzer goddamn Brown around, lighting up every aspect of his life. But then again, who’s fault was it that Whizzer was gone?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?


	12. Chapter 12

Two years.

So much could happen in two years. 

You could repair a relationship with your son until you are something close to normal. You can repair the relationship with your ex-wife until the two of you are able to stand to be in the same room for small amounts of time. You could move and meet two wonderful neighbors who quickly become your best friends. 

The one thing that Marvin couldn’t do in two years was get over Whizzer fricking Brown. 

But life moved on, and Marvin tried to pretend that he was living a normal life with a normal family. He could get over Whizzer, he could find happiness and truly forget that man. 

But then, on one fateful day and one horrible baseball game, Whizzer brown came waltzing back into his life looking like a goddamn movie star. 

The game was going horribly as usual when it happened. The Jewish little league sucked ass, but Jason seemed to enjoy it, so Marvin tolerated it. Even if he hated baseball, really what was the appeal of trying to hit a ball over and over again when over half the kids couldn’t even get close to actually hitting the ball. 

It was boring, pitiful, and if Jason hadn’t practically begged him to come Marvin would be at home relaxing with a drink before he had to prepare to go to work. He was just complaining to Charlotte about how god damn slow the game was when suddenly some movement caught the corner of his eye. 

He looked over, only to have his heart jump into his throat as he retreated behind Charlotte's back. His best friend then lets him down by passionately arguing with Cordelia about some kid on the field. They sat down, and Whizzer smiled out at the field, probably looking for Jason. 

“Where the hell did they get that umpire?” Charlotte screamed, standing up and Marving reached up to pull the doctor down, his cheeks stained red. 

Whizzer was standing there, looking not even a day older and nothing short of a model. He wore a stupidly pretty outfit, some sunglasses in his hand. He was thinner than before, a few more stress lines around his eyes, but he was still as beautiful as he was two years ago.

“What is he doing here?” He hissed, avoiding his ex-lovers eyes. 

“What are you doing here?” Trina called out, making Whizzer turn to look at them and walk over to sit by them. Which was not what Marvin wanted right now. He wanted to go hide and pretend that Whizzer was only a few feet away. 

“I do love baseball,” Whizzer said with a soft smile. “And I love Jason, the kid asked me to come so I came,” Whizzer said with an easy shrug, sitting down on the space beside Trina and Mendel. 

The rest of the game was a blur of Marvin trying his best to somehow weasel his way into Whizzer’s orbit. Bugging him, mocking him, longingly watching him as he talked to his kid. Normal things for a man to do once confronted by an ex-lover two years after breaking up with them. 

It was both incredibly hard and easy being around Whizzer again. Marvin forgot how much he enjoyed just sitting there with the man, being able to see him, bask in the light be brought with him wherever he went. 

Then, he remembered turning to Whizzer and just going for it, asking if he wanted to meet, go out and give it another shot. And Whizzer said yes. 

Jason also hit the ball, which is a first for anyone on their team, which was also amazing, but Whizzer. 

Jason would hopefully hit the ball many times after that game, but this might be Marvins one shot at getting WHizzeer back. 

He didn’t even realize he wanted Whizzer back in the first place, but after two long years of affair after affair and failed relationships, it was pretty evident that maybe Whizzer was the only one crazy enough to put up with him. 

Cue two hours later, with him pacing around the lesbians' apartment, actively regretting everything that lead him here. 

“What if this backfires?” He asked, turning around and pacing once more. 

“Then you ruin your only shot with him,” Charlette said helpfully from where she sat on the couch, a glass of wine held in her hand as she watched him walk around. “Either it works or it doesn’t, and you won't know that if you don’t stop wearing a hole in my floors and just get dressed and go.” 

“Fuck, Charlette I’m going to mess it up.” He stressed, pulling at his hair. This was all a mistake, why couldn’t he be normal and hate his ex like everyone else? He blamed Whizzer for this. 

“Probably.” She laughed, and he picked up a pillow to throw at her. 

“Not funny!” He hissed. 

“Okay, okay.” She laughed, catching the pillow and tossing it onto the ground. “But come on Marvin, he agreed to go out, obviously he’s interested in you too.” 

“But I messed it up so bad last time, he should hate me.” He pointed out. 

“Whiz likes roses, start with that. He’s a sucker for senseless romance.” Cordelia said, walking in with her own wine glass and a plate of mini meatballs. 

“How the hell do you know that?” Marvin asked, blinking stupidly at her. Roses were Whizzer’s favorite flower, weren’t they?

“He’s my best friend, of course I know that.” She snorted, sitting beside her girlfriend. 

“He’s your best friend?” He asked, slightly hysterical. He had no fucking idea they even knew the other existed. But now, looking back at it, didn’t Whizzer mention a ‘Delia’ he was always talking to on the phone? 

“Awe,” Charlette cooed. “He’s jealous!” 

“I am not.” He protested, crossing his arms. 

“It’s okay Marv,” Cordelia said with a shit-eating smile. “You're still my friend too.” 

“This is besides the point.” He protested while the girls laughed at him. 

“Look Marv,” Cordelia said, her smile falling slightly. “I’m not going to sugar coat it. You broke his heart.” 

“I know-“ He started, but she cut him off. 

“You don’t.” She said, her smile turning sad. “You weren’t the one who had to watch him fall in love for the first time only to see him utterly destroy himself once you two ended.” 

“He wasn’t in love with me.” He said softly, trying to ignore the sting of tears behind his eyes. 

“He was.” She said firmly, and he raised his eyes to stare into her steely blue ones. “Trust me, he was. But he was an asshole too. You guys just need to talk it out, you need to apologize, and maybe you guys will be able to move on from there.” 

“Or you’ll just hook up tonight and never see each other again.” Charlette added on helpfully. 

“Or that.” Cordelia shrugged. 

“I need actual advice.” He said, sitting on the chair across from them. “Tell me how to do this Dee, your apparently his friend right?” 

Cordelia sighed, putting her glass down and leaning forwards. 

“This has to be from you Marvin. I can feed you lines, but Whizzer won't bite unless it's 100% you. Trust me, he’s still as smitten as you are. Just go, tell him he looks nice, take him to a nice restaurant and apologize. And try not to offend him in any shape, form, or way. Just like, don’t comment on anything unflattering you see. He will latch onto whatever out he can get, even if he doesn’t want one.” Cordelia said, and Marvin nodded along, committing every word to memory. 

“And if I mess it up again?” He asked quietly.

“You wont,” Charlette said, smiling at him. “You’ve changed Marv, you've shown how much you regretted everything you did in the past. Show him you’ve changed, and then ride off into the sunset or something, I don’t know shit about what guys romantically want.” 

“You guys suck.” He said affectionately. “I should probably get going.” 

“Oh yeah,” Cordelia said, glancing at the clock. “You only have twenty minutes to get dressed, find flowers, and drive thirty minutes to the other side of town. If you get going now, you’ll only be ten minutes late.”

“Fuck.” He said, glancing at the clock to see she was right. “Fuck.” 

______________________________

Four months. 

A lot could happen in Four months. 

You could ruin your relationship with your also grieving son. Coul snap your already frail relationship with your ex-wife. You could push away the only two people in your life who understand what you're going through. And you most definitely could not get over the passing of the love of your life. 

Marvin stared at the letter in his hand, smiling softly as he read the words. 

He had no idea Whizzer was so worried about their little date, almost as worried as Marvin remembered being. Apparently, Whizzer thought it was a bad idea, the two of them trying it out again. And honestly it was, Marvin thought the very same thing for the first shaky month they were back together. 

He thought they were living on bargained time, running along another line set for disaster. But he also remembered staring at Whizzer’s smile when they laughed about a joke and thinking this was all he wanted to see for the rest of his life. 

It didn’t work out. 

Not in the way Marvin would have imagined during that first month, no, it didn’t end in screams and anger. It ended in tears and a heart monitor slowly beeping to a stop, Whizzer flatlining in Marvin's arms. 

Sometimes, he selfishly wished it ended the first way, and Marvin wouldn’t have to remember the way Whizzer’s skin felt so cold against his own. 

He unclenched his fist, shaking slightly as he realized he crumpled the paper while remembering. He tried his best to smooth it out, letting out a shaky breath as he gave up, shoving the paper back into the envelope.

He stood up, swaying slightly as he felt the effect of the alcohol still running through his system. He took a deep breath, stumbling to the kitchen and grabbing a glass to fill with water. He needed to sober up soon, he couldn’t keep going around life just reading those stupid notes and drinking himself into an even earlier grave. 

The phone rang on the wall, and Marvin stumbled over to it, picking it up. 

“Yes?” He asked, sighing as he pressed his forehead against the tile. 

“It’s me,” Trina said from over the phone. “And I’m going to say my bit so please don’t interrupt me.” 

“Sure, whatever.” He replied, waving a hand. Whatever she wanted, he just wanted to get this over with so he could go do, something. He wasn’t sure what he’d do, but it was more important than listening to her bitch at him. 

“I know your struggling.” She started. “And I understand and accept that. But tomorrow is Friday, and you need to see your son. He misses you, and I feel like maybe the two of you reconnecting would be a good thing for you both. Don’t pull away now. Jason needs you whether you like it or not. He will be at your house four o clock sharp tomorrow, and god help you if you don’t pull yourself together by then. You understand me Marvin?”

“yeah yeah.” He said past the lump in his throat. “I understand you.” 

“Good.” She said, and then proceeded to hang up on him. 

“Shit.” He muttered, turning his back and staring at his apartment. It was a mess. Clothes everywhere, empty bottles, food left out for days on end because he couldn't stand eating. “Shit.” 

He got up and walked towards the living room, dead set on trying to clean it up. He wanted to see his son, wanted to spend time with him. But would it make the echos of Whizzer worse? Seeing the apartment with Jason but no Whizzer? 

Should Marvin even care? 

There was a high chance he was living on borrowed time. If he didn’t spend this time with Jason now? He might not ever get the chance to ever again. 

He picked up some laundry, shoving it into the basket and he had a faint memory of Whizzer and him doing this together. Whizzer goading him into cleaning, seducing him with a soft, teasing smile on those pink lips. A sparkle in his eyes as he sent Marvin off to do the laundry. 

He shook off the memory, ignoring the tears gathering in his eyes. Thinking about him wouldn’t help him at this point, he needed to clean ou the memories, brush them away and pretend they don’t exist. But Whizzer would always exist. A ghostly memory hovering over his shoulder. 

He could see Whizzer everywhere, in every nook and cranny of the house. Never straying far from him, there with a teasing smile and a painful memory. 

He hated it. But at the same time, he lived for every glance into memory lane, every vision that brought him closer to the man he loved. 

Marvin sighed, shoving more clothes into the basket and hoped he had some detergent.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment down below to give me ideas or feedback!


End file.
